Friday, October 16, 2009

i'm walkin away from this before i hurt someone. [disclaimer.]

before I start, I'm warning you that what you're about to read will assuredly be honest and possibly offensive. So, if you'd rather not feel that way, then don't read any further.

I wonder when these things will stop hurting.
I wonder when curiosity will stop slaughtering the cat in my mind. She must have at least 900 lives.
I hate feeling like your heart has dropped out of your chest like elevator cords being broken. The walls of your chest suddenly start restricting in this pattern that feels like a heart beat, but it's not. It's all hollow spasm. Your face flushes and blood runs away. Skin pricks with an icy glaze that I'm sure wasn't there a few moments before.
It's always like this.
Also quite like giving away something of great meaning to someone, and they treat it much like a spoiled heiress would treat such a gift... eventually squandering or losing it. Or like you've given something precious to someone you trust with it... invested something in good faith. And you've found you've been made a fool of and your faith was unfounded.

In this world...
I know words are like pennies. Almost worthless... but some of us still find them on the ground and excitedly pick them up as though they were worth more.
I know bodies are things to use.
I know romance is a thing of the past.
I know so many people only care about themselves.
I know lies are accessories. Bullets to add to your resume in order to elbow your way up the ladder of success.
I know relationships are based on convenience and something you must earn.
Love is based upon contractual obligation. It can be made. Revised. And broken at any time.
I know this is 'the way of the world', and I'm old fashioned to care about such things.

Well, maybe I'm tired of conforming and feel like being rebellious.
Maybe I dont want to think or feel the way I'm supposed to.
Maybe I think people and their bodies have worth and value.
Maybe I believe romance is a present truth.
Maybe I know enough people who put others first.
Maybe I know enough people who get excited about the truth. Who seek out the truth. And because the hearts of those around them are worth much, they won't conceal the light of truth from them or anyone else.
Maybe I know true relationships (all. why is it people assume i always must be talking about boys and love-sickness?) aren't based on convenience, because frankly it's far more convenient to be alone.
Maybe I know love is the most free thing/person there is. And you can't distort it or twist it or put obligations on it. You cannot earn it. There are no conditions or terms. And it will break all of your rules. Every single time.

And at the very same time...

Maybe I'm tired of making excuses for crappy behaviour.
Maybe I'm tired of having my heart and trust broken.
Maybe I'm tired of being well-aquainted with sorrow.
Sometimes you catch a glimpse of the heart of God. The core of love.
And sometimes, like today, it makes me livid that we've not only missed it, but we're conditioned to keep missing it.

Maybe I still believe the 'God is love' thing is true.
Maybe I dont believe in much of what has become modern day 'christianity' which is why i find myself trying to disassociate myself from it.
Maybe it's not cool to be all 'i still love jesus'.
Maybe i dont really give a shit anymore what anyone thinks is cool.

I don't have some final practical answer.

And I am not content with 'oh that's just the way it is.'
I dont have some cool self-help technique to feel better.
And maybe the 'turn the other cheek' i've taken out of context, which has resulted in a face I'm finding unrecognisable.
(And maybe it's my own hand throwing punches sometimes.)
And maybe the advice "aw, f*** em" isn't really sound.
If joy isn't dependant on circumstance. Then why do we think sorrow would be?
Sure things are starting to move along with my musical aspirations.
But, damnit, I've been hurt a lot over the past 10 1/2 months, and maybe I'm just not ok.
Cos maybe I'm tired of the same people I care about screwing me over and taking advantage...
and maybe I just don't want to be used anymore.
And just maybe I'm tired of beating myself up. Blaming myself for everyone else's problems, and holding myself to some ridiculous standard of mental, physical, emotional and spiritual perfection. Which leads to nothing but anxiety over carrying weights I was never ever meant to carry.
Maybe it takes time to heal, and I need to just get better.
And I'm sick of false strength. And hiding how I really feel and writing sad songs that turn into angst that becomes some ridiculous mistrust of every human.
I need to sit myself down in the heart of God... where I'm welcomed anyway I come. With any words I bring. With any song I sing. Every emotion I've got. As long as it's honest.

Maybe that will be the most beautiful place to get lost.
And somehow i know it is.

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