Saturday, October 31, 2009

my heart's rearranging, it's love.

there's this frailty in the air. a rich fragility. these leaves floating through with magic like the songs in my lungs that keep filling up my chest with each inhale. i can't stop humming. i can't stop singing. it's absolutely enchanting. i'm walking along in some fog of reverie, and i dont quite understand. because the sadness is so deep i've lost the capacity to communicate it. and i mostly feel like a dog who never speaks but is trying to understand. there's so much i'd like to just say. just to be understood. but you are frightened by circumstance. you don't know of my close regard. you are wrapped up. you. you. you. you... all of you. so last night i crept toward the edge of this precipice and whispered your name. i looked at the time, down to the second. and stared at it, looking back at me. frozen in time. and i kept staring as though it would mean something. like some profound meaning would collide with consciousness and i'd snap out of this warbled dream.

there is comfort in the names you call me. there is comfort in closing the curtains. there is comfort in climbing into bed with the window wide open. in sipping the milky cup that calms this riot of thoughts. and if im quiet enough, i can hear the keys on the ring in your hand that unlock the floodgates. and in this flood there is freedom. but it is, still very much a flood.

in this same room when i was very small, i watched them cry and pretend to be fine. we all knew it really wasn't. and yet i somehow knew it would be. and i didn't want them to be sad or worried. and mostly i didn't want to leave. even then, this grand dreamer with this deep seated knowledge of angels hands in mine... being carried off into the dark night and looking it full in the face, focused on the stars and the moon against the ominous blackness. confident and unafraid in the midst of uncertainty. that innocent trust in full bloom. being very small and very brave in a very big very dark place with my red suitcase tight in my hand. hearing some unintelligible sound that announced the commencement of the war between peace and chaos. trust and anxiety. all taking it out deep in my skin.

we never change, do we?
i just want a constant. a steady. a place to feel safe.
i'm lost in everything that is so familiar.
and i just want to go home.
and i want to be found.
but i'm not very sure anyone is looking.

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