Tuesday, February 3, 2009

everything leaves a mark.

unforgiveness is a cold hard bitch with a kiss on her fist.
i know. super vulgur and crude for nitasha jackson.
but, there.
i said it.
and that's putting it nicely, i think.
it's also the key to a lonely cell of torture that a prisoner wears around his/her neck.
because, absolutely no one holds you there. no one can keep you there.

no one but yourself.

i had this gruesome little daydream yesterday. simply ghastly. but ever so appropriate. and if i ever write a song to go with it, i shall make it into a music video and beg ***guy ritchie*** to direct it.
essentially, it would have myself being tied. gagged and bound to a chair by a person in a mask of sorts. perhaps a balaklava. (think james bond or 21 or any gangster film with a dark room, lit only by some sinister swaying light bulb, illuminating the poor soul being kept there.) the masked person would then start shouting all kinds of horrendous verbal abuse. one verbal assault after another. how awful i am. how ugly i am. how ungrateful...this, that, and the other. this would soon descend into throwing punches. swing. swing. swing. just a nasty little scene. but not too gross. cos it's not my intention to bring nightmares. at the end of this onslaught, 'the accuser' if you will, will then remove her mask. it is then, you will find that this person handing out this cruel and unusual punishment is none other than...myself.

often i find it's almost harder to forgive myself than it is to do that for others. and so i beat myself up about all kinds of things. if you hear something enough you believe it. and it makes no difference if you're the voice speaking the words or not. this happens far too often to me...and to lots of people i know. especially girls, it seems.

"he will not remember what i cannot forget."

slowly i'm learning the art of forgiveness. of self-acceptance. to stop this crap that leads to nothing but depression. i am sick of being down. so, let's not just sit here, then, silly girl. lift up your head, already!
soon i'll know what it means to be absolutely free. =)


***there are 3 guys i'd like to meet.***
- guy eppel...well, again. in nyc i mean, or london. for lunch. or coffee. or general mischief.
- guy ritchie...cos i love him.
- guy berryman...cos i ...would like to meet him. just once. at least.
***also...fingers crossed that my voice is better for recording tomorrow.
***my boss says 'buh-bye' in the friendliest snl style and it makes me laugh a lot.
***i found this song that makes me happy, by a band called pictures and sound -"it's you"
oh, mercy mercy me.
***i'm the sleepiest girl you ever did see. but you can't see me.

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