it's still comin in blurry, the images i see. but someday it will all come clear, and i will be set free.

warning: this is being written on about 2 hours of sleep...

- i love kimberly a lot. (irregardless of lack of sleep)
- there is a boy who makes me happy. (also irregardless of lack of sleep.)
- "i must find why my mind is behaving like a dancer."
- work is not where i'd like to be today.
- mistrust is creeping into my heart yet again.
- how can i be so infinitely doubtful and stupid?
- what am i waiting for again?
- oh right. the impossible dream.
basically this. as much as i love and embrace this situation... as beautiful as this is. as breathtaking the expectancy. as absolutely marvelous...
it's hard. and there are days when i'm angry to the point of tears. and i don't even care who's watching. because i wonder if it's actually worth it.

today i'm angry. because i've lost sight of hope. and i'd rather give in...and sit in the shade of that happiness.

fleeting happiness vs. eternal joy.

catch 22. simply because i am angry...because i am impatient, wise in my own foolish eyes, attempting to wrestle truth with my fists full of mistrust.

"but i don't want medication, just give me liberation even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath... even when living feels just like death to me."

i'm getting crushed out on the things that only i should see...

i wish i could calm down and go to sleep. because, there's only one more sleep til nyc.
which means one more til i get to see kim. and ian.
and 2 more til i get to see tom when he gets in from london.
annnnd guy.

can you say, over.stim.u.la.tion?

i hope it all works out. because i can't even deal with how excited i am just to see them in real life.

also.
i really am so inappropriate and full of mischief.
i was picking up my car after getting the oil changed, and apparently walmart's service center was very understaffed. i was kind of in a rush, but to the back of the line i went.
little did i know i'd just walked in on a very intense arguement. pretty much the people in line were all crazy mad because of the lack of service. it was quite intense and heated. everyone was uncomfortable and super angry and dramatic. and me with the thousand things on my list to do in like an hour should have been just as annoyed. instead, all i could do was bite my lips hard to keep from laughing.
i feel like i've cried so much this year, it's ridiculous. and i just can't take these situations seriously anymore.
so i tried to divert my attention by texting matt about it and pretending to be amused by whatever was on my phone. really, though, it made matters more amusing.

and i'm still giggling.
speaking of which, i get the giggles at the worst times at work. when it's super quiet, and my mind starts racing to creative places, i just can't sit still, and everything becomes amusing to no end. or when eddie sends hilarious emails and i just burst out into laughter. which is contagious. and everyone is laughing without knowing what they're really laughing at?
but i'm getting more immature by the second, i think.

oy vey.
get to sleep!

once upon a dream...

i had a bad dream last night, in which two people were angry with me, and i couldn't fix it and sorry wasn't sufficient. but, really i wasn't sure what i'd done wrong. and if you know me at all, you understand how that kills me in waking life. so i woke up sweating and breathless and scared in the dark.
and immediately i heard this little whisper saying, "no one is angry with you. no one is upset with you. no one blames you. this is how you live. with this unnecessary fear wrapped around your heart, choking out freedom. this people pleasing. always convinced that someone is angry. that you've done something wrong. that you can't do enough to make everyone happy."

'my burden is light.'

yeah. it's the weight of love, i'm meant to carry. the weight of love, i'm happy to carry. but the weight of fear is overwhelming and crushes joy. it crushes the spirit. it's too much. it's not mine.
so dang girl, put it down.
i'm thankful for that unnerving dream. but mostly for the unspeakable peace that came afterward.
silly girl, i am. i worry far too much about absolutely nothing.

also.
sometimes i beg for answers in life.
but life isn't a math problem with a solution and an answer.
this is a story being written around me.
so, giving me the answer is like telling me the end of the story.
this does 2 things:
1. it spoils the story. once you know the ending, the story is far less amazing.
2. it spoils the ending... out of context, it's just less amazing.

one day. one page at a time.
this is good.

also.
i am about to read captivating again.
it's already changing my life all over again. jimminy christmukkah.

also.
(hehehehe.)
this weather is grand.
but i'm working in an office that is 80 degrees.
oooh pardon me, it's 79 now.
gahhhhhh!

hold my heart til brighter days.

they told us spring is coming.
the old march lion will be roaring again.
i can feel the beating now,
shaking through my skin
i can feel the explosion...
the blood rush to the head
i can't work out the answer.
i can't work out the answer.
i can't work out the answer.
would you tell me again?
or let me forget that it even began.
forget how fond i've become of that bird-like boy face he makes.
the one that seems to accidentally appear when the cameras come to write it down.
glittering smoke stacks and ribbons tightly wound. like the curls in my hair, i've forgotten about.
twirling. and i'm lost in that gaze like my fingers in the spiral.
once upon a time...
i hit a new kind of low.
and it's my secret to tell or not to tell.
but suspicious eyes peer closely, waiting for misstep. they heard the fall.
in my head happenstance and destiny are warring. ceaseless.
tell me again. whisper the truth or simply,
LET ME FORGET!
bend your ear closer...are you listening to me?
i'm caving with words now.
i want/won't let him see.
count down this time...
this time he'll lose me.
and feel it like i do.
this time...
do you even see me?
they told us spring is coming.
the old march lion is roaring again.
but what of it unless i can feel him breathing?
longingly watching from the 4th floor windows.
caught in the come-hither stare of the sun that makes us bloom.
even under these flourescent lights i am blooming within.
even the frost of fear is unable to make me wilt.
even after i've given up on it myself.
a day in that romantic determined gaze and i am lifted again.

i am...

fearfully and wonderfully made.