friday the thirteenth.

i can feel it rising.

my nerves are like snapping twigs.

there's enough emotion here to make some of the most beautiful things i ever have.

a radiant beacon of love just pulsing

and i am questioning it.

and i am turning into a coward, ready to just rip it from my insides.

but fully aware that i will take all of me with it.

ready to train myself to believe it never existed.

like a young scientist on the verge of denouncing God.

and i am raging at the skies with bloodied fists

envious of the deep joy that pours from the skin of those that pass.

if i am so wonderful, why am i ever so hard to love consistently?

and what is the point of comparing?

input vs. output.

it isn't adding up.

and i'll be the first to say that i've never been good at math

and so i'd conclude my options are to swallow the damned pill, because it's become useless talking

or start to self-destruct.

but my calculator is broken.

and somehow i believe there is a middle ground, but i cannot find it.

i cannot see it for all the rage in my eyes.

and the great sadness stands waiting to pounce.

bitterness - its nose on my cheek, licking its chops.

as if some enemy is waiting to rip my heart to shreds.

and i wouldn't come back this time.

and weighing the pros and cons.

kicked by the steel toed boot of silence.

unseen in plain sight.

all of this is utterly maddening.

oh, the fear of it all has waged war on me.