i think i'm most susceptible to doing stupid things when i'm required to wait. i mean, i could do something productive like practice music, write a song, read a book, put in some overtime, call a friend, write an email or better yet a letter... on paper... and actually mail it..., renew my passport (dangit.), go for a run, watch that holiday boxset of charlie brown dvds!
or i could do something stupid, like become really self-absorbed and over-analyse life unnecessarily, scan myself over for flaws and then nit-pick at them for hours at a time, until i find myself shopping to make myself look/feel better and freak out about things i can and cannot change when the changing room lights are unforgiving. and the things that can be changed, i'll embark upon conquering by force which usually results in more harm than good... and the things that can't be changed, i'll build a sess-pool of self-pity in the foundations of endless comparisons to this or that person and wallow there in my self-imposed and self-magnified pity for ages and ages.
i started walking down this ridiculous road again.
and let the unexplained actions of others define who i think i am.
and took off the gloves, and put on the rings and started wailing on myself.
but, this isn't a boxing ring or a dungeon. it's a waiting room.
so, last night i tucked myself in bed, and could just feel him scoop me up. i could hear the truth loud and clear in the form of a whisper i can't ignore.
fact is, things are getting really exciting around here. and in the midst of this crippling heartache and fear lurking to choke out courageous heartbeats... i'm still singing.
and the fact is that even though it can certainly feel awful lonely... i'm most certainly far from alone.
i have the most beautiful people in my life.
and i don't need them to be perfect.
i don't need them to fill me.
because neither of those things will ever happen in this lifetime.
but in the words of oasis -
"we need each other. we believe in one another. and i know we're gonna uncover what's sleeping in our souls"
i'm thankful for texts and emails throughout the day that make me laugh, that challenge me, and make me think, or make me smile... i'm thankful for friends who share their hearts with me, just because. i'm thankful for words of encouragement. i'm thankful for random acts of kindness like handing over a local natives album, just because. i'm thankful for 2 amazing managers who are some of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet, and they get the crap done. i'm thankful for a family who is well acquainted with sorrow which has made its arms strong for holding and hearts enlarged for a love bigger than each of us in it. i'm thankful for a God who lets me look him full in the face and say "i dont understand anything about you." who allows me to room to boldly question and doubt him, and still holds me and surrounds me with a love of depths and heights i cannot fathom.
nothing has changed really.
i'm still in the waiting room.
but my heart is bursting with thanks.
and that changes everything.