i keep telling myself to write something different here. to be a bit more ambiguous. to be a bit more lighthearted... but i can't help it. this is an invisible ear for telling secrets in my own muddled way... for singing secret songs for the first time that only i can hear...
this afternoon i went to see 'a christmas carol'. and cried. well, it IS one of my favourite stories of all time. i've memorized so much of the dialogue, it's just ridiculous, really. i used to sit with the remote in my little blue chair in this very room, when i was 2 years old and watch it. fast forwarding through the dumb commercials, stopping on the barbie and the rockers commercial, and rewinding it to start it all over again. anyway, it certainly isn't my favourite version of the story, but it moved me... and i was giddy in my 3-D glasses. so i'm not complaining.
afterward, dan and i went to kybecca, and started reminiscing childhood stories. school days. which led to highschool/post highschool stories...
and i found myself telling a story i realised i'd never told before.
i'm finding that these last couple of years have been full of these moments. deep hurts rising to the surface, because you thought you'd dealt with them. but no one can teach you how, especially if no one knows. because a lot of them are shrowded in this ridiculous sense of shame. and it isn't until you look back at something that happened 10 years ago, that you realise you've been blaming yourself and taking it out on yourself for 10 years... only because you just didn't know better. you didn't know it wasn't your fault.
yesterday i read something a friend wrote...
"I am ready to fail, and fail LOUDLY, paving my way into a wiser, stronger, humbler tomorrow."
"there is no fear in love"
on my way home tonight i saw 7 deer just wandering around in a quiet neighborhood. i'm not sure why this makes me feel better, but it always does. it's just beautiful.