gig. jig. perfectionist. forgetfulness.

I had a gig last night at the Lock Tavern. I would just like to say, it was such such such fun. The room was full of familiar faces, and only a few strangers. My friends are amazing. I'm so thankful for them and their support and encouragement and for just coming out and bringing friends with them. They also lift the really heavy keyboard we seem to rent every time, which makes them champions in my mind. Clive, Jim, Matt and Lewis. The usual helpers. Elena took some photos. And other friends travelled from other towns. I wish they knew how crazy I am about them. I was especially excited about the fact that Ayah and Rami came with Tom. FREAKED OUT HAPPY. Finally had some facetime. Good stuff, indeed.

What I don't understand is how, sometimes, I feel I've had the worst performance ever, and my constructive criticism crew says it was the best ever. But, then times like last night, I feel, overall, it was far more confident and I feel good about the gig afterward (I mean, there were places that felt strange due to it being a small gig with no real sound check and things) ... there is always room for improvement. always. and i'm thankful for honesty, but when my constructive criticism crew says things like, "yeah, it was great but... and then fill in the blanks with the issues." It gets a little trying. As I've said, I'm already a perfectionist... and so I'm trying to be on my A-game all the time. They chide me a bit for being nervous, but I'm used to being nervous. Nerves are good, as long as they don't take over. So I've stopped mentioning how nervous I am, and flutter around the room talking with people. I feel like whenever I have a gig here, there's always so much riding on it. And I'm supposed to be aware of that, and yet forget it when it's time to perform. So last night, I just stopped caring and just had a really good time. The general consensus was that it was the most confident performance ever... but the vocals weren't the strongest. So after doing everything on this trip, booking the gig, getting the industry kids down... basically self-managing... I've worked really hard on this one, and it's frustrating when my constructive criticism team has more points to make. Actually, Conor was really annoyed with some of this feedback... so I didn't feel so ridiculous.

I was nervous beforehand, and thought it would be best not to eat a whole lot... as you do before singing and then I had a lot of red wine. Oops. I really need to stop forgetting to eat.

There was this guy there last night who was like this amazing mixture of Patrick Watson and Jeff Buckley. He sang amazing grace and I almost cried. He said he loved my voice. His set was so beautiful. Amy, Rachel, Elena and I were all in love. And so were the boys, actually. I think Chard was as giddy as Elena in speaking to him after his set.

Slowly everyone made their way back home, and the evening came to a close with Conor and Elena speaking french to each other... and story telling... and falling asleep on the couch.

This morning, I've returned the keyboard after having managed to get a couple of hours of sleep...

Now off to sort out some meetings.

And the beat goes on...

last night [danny fox - a song for someone else]

i've stolen a couple of shots from last night...

in the center is the sweet sam teasdale.

one of my favourite paintings of danny's... (behind gary powell)

danny and the lovely - finally-got-to-meet-you-alex brownsell.

i didn't cry as suggested on the previous post, due to emotional craziness. i did get lost getting there, though. i'm determined to master that old street station next. yes. next goal in life.

it was a wonderful wonderful night. where i finally put real life faces to names, caught up with good friends and took in danny's wonderful art on display.

so proud of this boy. yes. i really am.

remember xanga? currently playing: interpol

i woke up early this morning and made my way to oxford circus. i recommend doing this early in the morning, just after opening. there were maybe 10 people in the store. it was glorious shopping. it may be why i came away with 3 items that i actually won't be returning. i'm still on the hunt for some boots and a 'leather' bomber/aviator jacket. i know exactly what i want, and won't settle for anything less... this makes things difficult. i feel tomorrow may be a repeat... for no other reason, than i liked the feeling of having that manic place to myself.

after shopping, i headed back to the flat where clive made lunch. whatever he may tell you, it was really yummy. a salad with no salad (the spinach went a bit wrong), poached eggs, and he had toast. then i was off to meet up with ben for coffee. i like that guy a whole lot. i'm also a real big fan of his cello skills. anyway, it was good having a long conversation about all kinds of things. you know, those people where you just feel like you've been friends forever... and you just have a really good time talking? that's ben. we were talking about hard times and growth. i love his resolve to see the positive in things. and we were talking about the changes taking place. and how content we are, and yet not. and how excited we are and yet with reserve. hopeful, is a good word. the world is ours for the taking. and i hope i get to have him around a lot more in the future.

i have the flat to myself tonight. i decided to stay in and clean. i'll probably get a reprimanding for that. but, i mean... i won't listen. and it's what i do! i also have that nagging feeling that tomorrow is going to require... no, demand a lot from me. and if everyone comes out that has said they will... it's going to be so fun seeing everyone. overwhelming awesome fun. I AM GOING TO FREAK OUT.

so i have one night not to think about it.

i'm really trying to be better at this whole being present thing.

on that note. i'm going to go wind down with a book and tuck myself in bed.

goodnight friends.

goodnight camden.

p.s. sorry it's so boring without photos. i'll put them up in droves when i get home.

p.s.s. i'm not sorry to be able to share events of my day. it's nice to have full days with people i love... and a place to put these thoughts and memories down.

my heart is just home.

wherever you go... there you are.

yesterday, i played american tourist with lee and that was a whole lot of fun. i have photos, but will probably refrain from uploading any until after i get back. perhaps while using my new laptop. oh what's that? new laptop? well, here's some fun news, my new baby macbook pro is at home waiting for me.

last night it rained. but it was nice. i wanted some rain. this morning, i slept in for ages and i don't think i've completely left the land of slumber yet. i'm feeling really tired and sleepy, which could be a conglomerate of reasons... most of which, i'll keep to myself. however, it's painting this sunny london world a weird shade of gray. this is lame. i am excited about tonight's exhibition in east london, but due to my stupid emotional fog, am not looking forward to getting their. today is a day i don't feel like being adventurous on my own...

unfortunately that is precisely how it must be today, and i'm just not in the mood for it.

i also had a bunch of bad dreams about moving to nashville...

i feel a little hurt by a couple of people there already, and there's nothing i can do about the situation. it's just a sad thing when you realise you don't mean as much to people as they mean to you. let down. those are the words of choice. it's not the end of the world, but it hurts and there's nothing more to be said about that. thus, thoughts of moving back to nashland which would usually get me very happy are making me incredibly anxious. best to avoid it all for now.

oh well. off to get 'pretty' for tonight's event. danny's art has a way of moving me, as it is... we'll all be lucky if i dont cry.

ok...what?

there is this little orange cuban bar at the corner of a street in camden. in it they make the most glorious cocktails i have ever tasted. they play things like d'angelo, until their live band starts...and it is straight hip shaking cuban/latin/south american glory. i had a classmate named Adriel who was from Argentina. once upon a time, he taught me a very simple little argentinian dance. yesterday, upon hearing this music, i needed to dance that. it is 11am and i need to go back already.

the evening was spent catching up with elena and just browsing the high street. clive ordered some thai, and because i can never remember the name of my favourite thai food (which i cannot find in the united states...well, i find it but it tastes NOTHING like it does here)... elena and i had nandos. don't know how to explain it. but think, roasted chicken with this lemon herb spice stuff, chips (fries) and a ridiculous salad. why are the salads so good here? buh. anyway. from there, we thought it would be a simple night in with glasses of wine, watching some random film. and lee came in...

lee is my official new friend who is visiting from la and staying with us. he's a louisiana boy. as you may be able to imagine, we've gotten on swimmingly. he started showing us youtube video remixes and other viral things, which seemed to light the flame of adventure. elena had to be up at the crack of dawn, so we called her a cab and bid her goodbye. lee suggested we go find a pub open on a sunday night. i backed his suggestion... and clive surprisingly enough awoke from his slumber, got a second wind and an unexpected evening began it's course. we headed to the hawley arms where i met the nicest...not to mention handsomest, bartender i've ever ever met there. the boys drank budweiser... (still unsure of how i feel about that) whilst i had a white russian. GLORY. we sat in this massive booth and talked of many things... shared our stories... fun. we came back to the flat and listened to the latest roots record, because clive hadn't heard it. ok. ok. ok. do you know the feeling that happens when you've been listening to something like mad and you haven't had anyone to really share that enthusiasm with? at least in person? well, friends... this is what happened when i turned it on. the living room was my dance floor... and lee and i just reveled in it. possibly twice through. so did clive. good times. our conversation got deeper and we learned lots about louisiana ... and lee explained more about cajun cooking. i have a little shot of cajun history due to my mom's ex-husband being from lafayette. so this exchange was a fun one. clive went rock climbing yesterday, and was telling us about all of these different walls and how he's absolutely obsessed with this new found fun. i displayed my roundhouse kick.

i think one of the highest compliments one can be paid by a guy, is when he says "you have to meet my girlfriend. you two are on the same sort of wavelength. she would LOVE you. i mean, facebook friends without even having met." i'm not sure why. but it really is. so i was invited to come see them in la. hah. as if i needed anymore convincing to make a trip to la a priority, it now IS a priority. i'm so excited, it's out of control.

today, i think we're all about to get touristy. mostly because we really haven't before, and lee is the perfect excuse.

wakey wakey rise and shine.