come awake.

my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
you see, i was walking alone with him in this place. this desert wasteland... great vacation spot. i recommend it highly. it's burning during the day and it's freezing cold at night. bi-polar conditions all in one shot. anxiety in my chest. gripping. squeezing so tight for dear life. my life. the last drops of control. they all thought i was going down to the depths. the dark depths of the hell within. they all thought i was crazy. acting like i was drunk. wailing in the temple for him to just hear me. for him to remember me. for him to show up... so he did. and off we went to this aforementioned place. yes, back to my story. let's stay on track. this desert wasteland. burning hot days and freezing nights. like nature had gone to an insane asylum, and i was seated in the chamber of her thoughts. in her room with padded walls. and alone with he and she and the stars, i screamed along. i shouted and punched the air. i swung at him. i railed against all i've known with a fury you've only read about. and then, she and i were still. exhausted, i slept. he never left. i woke up to the rising of a yellow burning ball of gas -kind of like the sun, but far too close for comfort and far too bright to see. and at night it would flee from me as though i was a stricken with leprosy. even the ground trembled. cold. empty. so, we walked in silence. and yet, in the worst of the elements, he would wrap his arms round, and i'd disappear into the warmth at night. he'd shade my eyes in the blinding sun, as i wept my tears of fear and trembling during the day. then, he took me to the water. placid and still as glass in the midst of the chaos of the atmosphere. i looked into the depths of this crystal bottomless sea... and i saw everything and nothing and me. bones. dry weary bones. and hollow eyes. half dead. sort of alive, in a pathetic sort of way. dressed up in sorrows constantly. scars and bruises adorning my head like a broken crown. love lost. the remains of promise rings now rusted round my fingers. my heart. now racing. now slowing in my chest. held together by scotch tape and ribbons i'd found on old presents. pitiful. sick. the diagnosis? hope deferred. and in spite of all this, i kept going. dancing, a broken dance. unloved. and blithely unaware...somehow. this was an uncomfortable true-to-life view to say the least. like being in a changing room in victoria's secret with unforgiving lighting. so i looked up at him... and i realised i hadn't really looked at him this whole time. and his eyes were red and swollen from all the crying. and, yet somehow still ever so warm and tender when he looked at me. their depths fathomless, and i gazed in, unable to look away. i thought i could've fallen in, actually. but, once again i could see everything and nothing but a girl who looked so very much like me. but, maybe not, because she was beautiful, and radiant. and so alive. bright... bright.young.thing. at ease. at peace. laughter in her face. overflowing with love. i mean, you could almost feel it like oil dripping from her hands. an aroma filled the room when she smiled. the kind of girl the poets muse about. the ones that show up in every volume of their books. the kind the legends write the hit songs about. not the fleeting siren who calls the sailors farther out to sea. but the real thing. the kind every girl wants to be. the kind every boy wants to be good enough for. loved. i was she. his beloved... and now, fading.
and in that moment everything made sense.
and my eyes shut. but the tears escaped silently anyway.
everything stopped.
i breathed in...
he exhaled...
and then, ever so faintly at first, the wind began to blow. but on it, were words i couldn't understand. kind of like a song, and it was getting stuck in my head. it kind of like a language familiar...but nothing i've heard before. beautiful and haunting. with it came the movement of a symphony of strings.
when i opened my eyes i was clinging to the last moments of the lingering note as it disappeared. i didn't see him. or the water or anything. i only saw this wall. thicker than anything i've ever seen before. like the ancient ones. and i realised, i was home. this place i'd called home. in this bed, snuggled up with blankets of shame. with an army of me standing guard just outside my guilded door. a great defense grander than the armies of alexander the great... and all kinds of things. shiny things filling the room that once made me happy for a little while.
and there i was. with nothing but this song i'd just heard on the wind. and just when i thought it was all over. and it was back to reality time, i heard him. though i couldn't see him, i heard him say... 'sing.'
oh, so now, i'm hearing voices. and now, i'm going absolutely crazy. and now, friends, it's time to take the xanax and see that doctor i've been meaning to see... but, i did sing.
softly, at first. and i thought i could hear him breathing near me. and somehow inside these walls the breeze started. and i could hear the invisible symphony once again wrap itself around me...and i became acutely aware of another in the room. another voice i'd been listening to. another familiar song that had been singing to me. the one who whispered to that girl i saw in my reflection in the water. that one who encouraged starvation. the one who sung me lies as lullabyes as i cried myself to sleep. the one who would lick my wounds of self-hatred. the one i let keep me there. the one who delighted in seeing me turn cold. turn to bones. who draped me in my blankets of shame. covered me in ashes and put me in my place...
and that fury of misdirected mistrust flew back up in me. this time redirected to her oppressive melancholy hands pushing down on my shoulders and suffocating my heart with anxiety.
and singing all the while, a laughter crept into my bones, and i looked her dead in the eye...and this time i refused to cower and bend. this time, i wasn't timid with my words of agreement. this time, i screamed and shook like a leaf so overwhelmed by a rage i've never felt. this time i said, 'no more'. this time i said, 'you will not have me a day longer'.
my throat hurt from screaming.
the walls were shaking and trembling.
this was my battle of jericho.
so i sang along again.
it was then, my little voice disappeared into a sound so loud that it became almost like a shout. but more like a million invisible voices shouting in unison. it then began to crescendo into a roar. like the kind aslan makes... not in the films. not even close but in cs lewis' head where he tried to explain it to all of us for the first time.
the roar rose louder and louder... and i realised i hadn't been alone with her. he'd been there the whole time. and this thundering, overwhelming, powerful sound was his voice. it was like the fury of the greatest love that could ever exist was being unleashed in a sound and when she heard it,
she fled from me.
well, she tried anyway.
because just as she turned, the walls were unable to contain the sound. and they fell and they crushed her.
and then,
everything was so still. i had fallen down in my bed. exhausted. all the walls had crumbled. armies buried beneath the wreckage.
all was quiet. inside and out.
i felt him come close. i could feel him breathing.
he blew away my ashes.
and he whispered, "come awake."
and i've opened my eyes for what feels like the first time...
the girl i saw in the water was now the ashes being swept away on the wind.
and the girl i saw dancing in his eyes came to life.
and once again, nothing is the same.
everything's changed.
and it's beautiful here...

taking the cure, so i can be quiet whenever i want.

conversatin.
i like it. but, i think i'm learning the art of being quiet. hmmm. because, even when i'm not talking, there are endless thoughts running rampant through my head. songs. words. sentences. prepositional phrases. sometimes ending sentences incorrectly. jokes. sounds...
lord, it's loud up there.
i need it to quiet down. no sound. no images. no talking. just... still. and maybe a knowing... maybe.

so, i've discovered that starbucks is actually within walking distance of work. where.have.i.been?! when the warmer weather comes back around, it will be fun to go for walks there AND to trader joes! yum.
i wish i could transplant the cool springs starbucks to here. they make way better drinks and have way nicer people. i think i'd like that. so, the boys went to have noodles for lunch. i had cold mama-bear oatmeal (too cold!) and a baby-bear caramel apple spice. (juuust right.) and listened to patrick watson while writing some thoughts in my car.
so the aforementioned woman at work smiled at me today. i mean, warmly. like, she's had the best day of her life. she's trying not to smile at me now, actually. speaking of the devil. devil, i'm sure she's not.

i'll be glad when i can feel like wearing makeup again. it's so fun. but i can't be bothered this week. it's already thursday. time is flying... this is my favourite season. i just wish it didn't feel so... blah. bleh. blih. bloh. blue.

it's 1pm. the end of lunch. and i've just gotten the loveliest of dirty looks from eddy for abandoning them for lunch. back to work. hi-ho. hi-ho.

p.s. i can't believe that once upon a time, a boy won me over with an eminem lyric. i mean, seriously?!
p.s.s. - see what i mean about all these thoughts?

crawled into the speakers and turned up the volume...

• the libertines
• maximo park
• babyshambles
• ryan adams

"do you ever want to wear your body out until there's nothing left to take?"
it was a good rainy drive to work this morning.
i remembered my book today! and a notebook. with the graph lines. one i used in a 3rd period class. though i'm not sure what class that was. because i took out all the notes and started writing songs and things instead.

lover, please do not fall to your knees...it's not like i believe in everlasting love.

i have exactly 8 minutes before the clock on the wall hits 7.30 and signals it's time for me to get to work. uh. get to work on an impossible little project that i can't get my left brain around...let alone my right brain. it's too busy writing songs and singing melodies. i'm mad cos i left my ryan adams book at home. ugh.
nonetheless, if i could ever meet him, i would tell him that he and jesus have saved my life. ok, maybe he, chris martin and jesus. you know what i'm saying. i've just been singing New York, New York at the top of my lungs, and i feel like i'm in the beginning part of a movie, or something. this film better be good, cos if this is a rom-com kill the director!!! (uh. out.of.control.)
k, so i really wish that i'd been working here longer so that #1, my left brain might understand what i'm about to embark upon, #2 - i'd have floater days and a little sick leave built up, and #3 - i'd have cash. cold hard cash in my account so i can book a flight to l.a. and see tom. and spend some quality time with bethany. because somehow, my eyes gain perspective when i'm with her. not to mention...2 words. disney land. i'm in the mood, ya'll. i need some mickey mouse and pirates of the carribbean. and cinderella and peter pan...oh man.

nonetheless, i'm here at work with 2 minutes left to go.
also. there is this mysterious tall, dark, handsome, latin boy who works here. boy? man. but young. which stands out cos most people here are older. i have no idea what he does. who he is. where he works. (and i'd really rather not know). i just like when i see him on my way in and out every so often...and today he said hello. so curious.
but let's not get things confused. there is also a woman who works here who creeps me right out. i'm always a little afraid to say hello to her. cos, she has this look on her face like she hates the world. i smile, and she looks through me. creeeeeped out, kids.

not so fun, fun facts. ready? 1. - i missed gossip girl last night. completely forgot. my mind was elsewhere. i mean, enough is e-freakin-nuff. 2. - wanna lose some of that holiday weight? get sad, friends! it works! 6lbs in 4 days! (yeah, screw that. i'm hungry! let's eat!)

well, it's business time.
uh. not in the flight of the conchords kind of way. assuredly not.

so you lost your trust and you never should have...

i just found out tonight, that one of my 'grandmothers' (as in a woman who has known me for ages and has taken me into her heart like one of her grandchildren)...is going through intense sorrow, as her sister has just passed away. in an email that was sent out, i read these words...

"It's a time for wanting answers and being afraid to ask. It's a time of wanting to quit and knowing you can't. It's a time of wanting to lean on your own understanding and knowing not to do that."

i feel like that sums up my world as well.
i just need to know that redemption is more than possible, that it is likely.
i have never been one to have a lot of regrets. but it seems i've begun the year with a huge one. i'm afraid i've made a mess i cannot fix. and all of the apologies and all of the tears and all the glue in the world can't put this back together.

silly, over-sensitive, emotional little me. with all the cares in the world heavy on my heart.
but it matters to me. and that's the honest bottom line.

well, time for bed. it's been a long weekend.
id really like to wake up without that feeling of having been kicked in the stomach.