Tuesday, October 9, 2012

weight of the world. [lifted.]

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The cooler weather tends to draw me indoors, and I start to hibernate a little. I can't seem to get enough candles... my house smells like pumpkins, apples and spices... and bergamot tobacco. It's funny, because all of these scents remind me of growing up and exploring downtown Fredericksburg. And, this year there's a fireplace to add to the mix... exciting! Today, I've got on a sweater and a jacket. Now, all we need is the color change, which, in Tennessee is never as brilliant as that of Virginia, but it will suffice. (I do, however, still want to get to central park when leaves are at their peak.) All I want to do is sleep a little longer, cook - er, be cooked for, make seasonal treats (i.e. - pumpkin cheesecake truffles... glorious.) write, listen to music, take pictures, read good books, watch good movies (even scarier ones, y'all. i don't really understand.) take really long walks/run, drink wine or coffee or homemade hot chocolate, and be surrounded by candles... and love. lots of lovely love. Ironically, I also get the wanderlust pretty badly. I have this strong desire to be organized, to get everything set up just so. So, as much as I love to be home in my cozy nest, I tend to be incredibly productive and inspired when the autumn and winter come round.

At the same time, I feel like I can begin to enjoy this season, and perhaps life in general a bit more than usual.  Or maybe it's that I'm coming into a place of contentment... a rest in the chaos.  Because, there is most definitely in need of a lot of resolution... and I've made some difficult choices, and I'm hanging in there. But, I'm seeing some positive change, if ever so slowly in me... in my heart... and best of all in my mind. I've decided not to hide anymore, and it's super hard coming out of hiding. I've never had such a hard time telling the truth... but I'm glad I have. It scares me that I may have hurt some people who are closest to my heart... it scares me that I'll have their understandable disapproval. But sometimes what I feel is the right thing won't make a whole lot of sense to everyone. And it's taken me twenty-some years to realize that it's ok. I love my friends and their concern, but sometimes I have to go in a certain way that I believe is right for me at a certain time. I didn't realize how much of the weight on my shoulders was because of this... and it's been lifted. Who knows where this road will lead... But, I'm happy to be inspired. I'm embracing these humbling times. I'm soaking it up. It's good to rest a little inside.

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