je ne sais quoi...

After warming up for a day or two, it cooled down quite nicely this morning. It was chilly, just the way I like it. It forces me to pull out of my sleepy fog and rouses me to start the day with a little more umph. A bit more energy. I'm ready to seize the day, rather than be dragged along by it.  Anyway, it all started when I took Marley out this morning. A strange longing for more time to devote to something... but I wasn't really sure what it was. Maybe to spend a little more time with Marley to get her trained to be a civilized dog who actually walks on a leash without dragging you along. (Much like a sleepy start to the day, I suppose)

I walked into Starbucks to continue my morning ritual... and I felt it again when I noticed a couple sitting at a table sipping their coffee slowly and talking. There were others, busy at work or having a morning meeting over their morning drink of choice, and maybe a little breakfast to go with it. I was on a bit of a time-crunch, as per usual in the morning, on my way to work, unsure of the unsettling feeling. But, I pushed those thoughts out of my brain, and started mentally skimming my to-do list. I was even looking forward to getting my day started, but my mind began to wander as I passed some new apartments available for lease. "Wouldn't that be nice...", "I'm sure they're amazing on the inside..." "It would be great to be so close to work, though I would miss the commute..." "It may not be the best place to have 2 dogs..." "How much ARE they going for anyway?" "Did I make the right decision on my apartment, now?" Thoughts like that. I was still distracted when i turned off of 8th Ave, onto a side street... and there it was again. Like a hunger pang in the soul... This feeling like I should be making scrambled eggs right now and planning out my day... For the babes or for the hubs, I'm not so sure, but this doesn't make sense. I don't have a husband or babies. However, I do have so many things to go over, fonts for an album... so many emails to respond to... phone calls to make... places to go... I saw a woman running down the street and felt a little jealous.  I should be going on a run, rather than trying to find time to...

I spend so much time doing some things that I'm pretty good at, but at this point in my life, it's leaving me feeling so very unfulfilled... and under-appreciated. It sucks up all of my time and energy, leaving so little for me to be creative or productive in the things I was meant for... 

But those things don't yet pay my bills...

And neither does this, actually.
And always being a lot of dollars short is really wearing me thin.
Always being to tired to engage or to do out of the ordinary things is getting really old, as well.
Knowing I have to be up so early...
Going above and beyond and still stressing out about rent...
Round and round and round it goes.

Catch 22.

I want out of this cycle.

I want off of this carousel.

But, there is only but so much I can do.

Keep pushing and wait?

Persevere.

There's so much that's good. But, something is missing... a certain... I don't know what...