I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I don't like it.
My grandma always told me that a lie was an intent to deceive. There wasn't a whole lot of little white lie gray area for her. And, I appreciate that these days. I think it's done me pretty good. Besides, I'm a really really bad liar. But, right now, I feel like a liar, and that doesn't make me happy. It's more an intent to keep some information hidden, for now because I cannot take the amount of disappointment that will be thrown my way. So, I've gone silent.
I feel like I've needed people more than ever to just believe in me, or to just listen without those stern looks... or worried faces. Just some love and some hugs. I'd just like for someone to walk in my shoes and see things the way I see it. I'm real thankful that there are a couple of people stepping up to that challenge. But for the most part, it isn't the way. And as one friend said, in response to my very cryptic description of the situation, "you can rapidly feel like an island."
On top of this, I'm absolutely scared out of my mind that my decision was wrong. Mostly, I feel pretty bled white from the whole situation. I feel taken advantage of. I need to say something, but I'm not sure what to say... I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to move from here. And so, I'm frozen in silence... overthinking from the moment I wake up until I lay my head down at night, and wake again in the middle of dreams, to sleep, to wake when the alarm goes off.
Meanwhile, work has picked up... and my list of responsibilities feels like it's growing on the daily. I have thrown myself headlong into this and into moving, so that I can't really feel much else. Sometimes, numbness is a beautiful beautiful thing. That is, until it wears off, or the deep melancholy is awakened by exhaustion.
So many little lovely things are in the pipeline. It's just a matter of time... of waiting. It's a matter of trying to find enough extra nooks and crannies of hours in the day to be productive. It's a matter of holding it all together. It's a matter of not growing weary in well-doing... It's a matter of perseverance.
But I'm ready for resolution. I'm ready for breakthrough. I'm ready for the end of this season. I'm in need of some release. For the joy that comes in the morning after a dark night of the soul.
Bring on the sun, please...