halloween. [the wheels in my head are turning]

Well, good afternoon!
It always comes out a bit better for me than good morning ever did. Though I love mornings, it's the actual saying that feels a bit strange whenever it comes out of my mouth.
I have also noticed that there are some days my handwriting is better than others. Whenever I have to fill out something at a counter, it's horrid. I don't understand. It's almost as if I don't recognize the letters I am making. Seeing as I've always had rather nice, albeit ever changing penmanship, this seriously bums me out.
I miss writing creatively... I miss poetry. But, sometimes it would seem my life isn't quiet enough to create rhythms unless time is set aside. At work, there is music playing almost constantly... I sometimes wish I could just turn it off for a while.

On slow days, I find myself scouring the inter-webs for blogs and new interesting instagrams to keep my mind occupied and to keep me inspired. However, I'm noticing there is a fine line between inspiration and envy. I'm also realizing that while I fully appreciate the high fashion//artistic//fun aspect of pointed nails, they absolutely freak me out. They look good on ya though. Do you boo boo. I also wish I had an ipod touch with a camera... or that tmobile would carry the iphone. Sorta. maybe not. I'm good with the touch.
Know what I miss? My blackberry. I really really do. I can see myself as the person who has both smart phone and blackberry.
Know what else I miss?
The feeling of being included with people who deeply care about me.
I miss my girlfriends and time well spent with them.
I miss being somebody's baby.
I miss my family.
I've also got a serious case of the wanderlust. As usual, this is met by an equal desire to be very settled and have a home.

I am a walking contradiction. But, it works somehow.

And on that note, I can't wait to get home to my little family of puppies.
And to catch up on this season of gossip girl on demand.

Good day, friends.

je ne sais quoi...

After warming up for a day or two, it cooled down quite nicely this morning. It was chilly, just the way I like it. It forces me to pull out of my sleepy fog and rouses me to start the day with a little more umph. A bit more energy. I'm ready to seize the day, rather than be dragged along by it.  Anyway, it all started when I took Marley out this morning. A strange longing for more time to devote to something... but I wasn't really sure what it was. Maybe to spend a little more time with Marley to get her trained to be a civilized dog who actually walks on a leash without dragging you along. (Much like a sleepy start to the day, I suppose)

I walked into Starbucks to continue my morning ritual... and I felt it again when I noticed a couple sitting at a table sipping their coffee slowly and talking. There were others, busy at work or having a morning meeting over their morning drink of choice, and maybe a little breakfast to go with it. I was on a bit of a time-crunch, as per usual in the morning, on my way to work, unsure of the unsettling feeling. But, I pushed those thoughts out of my brain, and started mentally skimming my to-do list. I was even looking forward to getting my day started, but my mind began to wander as I passed some new apartments available for lease. "Wouldn't that be nice...", "I'm sure they're amazing on the inside..." "It would be great to be so close to work, though I would miss the commute..." "It may not be the best place to have 2 dogs..." "How much ARE they going for anyway?" "Did I make the right decision on my apartment, now?" Thoughts like that. I was still distracted when i turned off of 8th Ave, onto a side street... and there it was again. Like a hunger pang in the soul... This feeling like I should be making scrambled eggs right now and planning out my day... For the babes or for the hubs, I'm not so sure, but this doesn't make sense. I don't have a husband or babies. However, I do have so many things to go over, fonts for an album... so many emails to respond to... phone calls to make... places to go... I saw a woman running down the street and felt a little jealous.  I should be going on a run, rather than trying to find time to...

I spend so much time doing some things that I'm pretty good at, but at this point in my life, it's leaving me feeling so very unfulfilled... and under-appreciated. It sucks up all of my time and energy, leaving so little for me to be creative or productive in the things I was meant for... 

But those things don't yet pay my bills...

And neither does this, actually.
And always being a lot of dollars short is really wearing me thin.
Always being to tired to engage or to do out of the ordinary things is getting really old, as well.
Knowing I have to be up so early...
Going above and beyond and still stressing out about rent...
Round and round and round it goes.

Catch 22.

I want out of this cycle.

I want off of this carousel.

But, there is only but so much I can do.

Keep pushing and wait?

Persevere.

There's so much that's good. But, something is missing... a certain... I don't know what...

dazed and confused

yes.

under construction.

brick by brick
the contrast is rather lovely
rather moody, if gray
perfectly seasick, yet nothing at all is in sway
i can't quite put my finger on it.
but, i'm not so very sad.
don't worry your head about that.
just lingering. just waiting.
anticipating.
and being quite present.
it takes time to unlearn the lifetime habits
the mechanisms of defense
and disarm them instead
and now the mind reels
with creativity
with marvelous things
not fear and dread and self-loathing
i'm happy just to watch today
to keep still
the progress is impressive
but much left to go
undaunted
just revel
brick by brick
and away we go

can we please talk about this?

Kanye // Chanel.
because, i'm going to have to say, yes.

lookalike.

weight of the world. [lifted.]

It's the most wonderful time of the year! The cooler weather tends to draw me indoors, and I start to hibernate a little. I can't seem to get enough candles... my house smells like pumpkins, apples and spices... and bergamot tobacco. It's funny, because all of these scents remind me of growing up and exploring downtown Fredericksburg. And, this year there's a fireplace to add to the mix... exciting! Today, I've got on a sweater and a jacket. Now, all we need is the color change, which, in Tennessee is never as brilliant as that of Virginia, but it will suffice. (I do, however, still want to get to central park when leaves are at their peak.) All I want to do is sleep a little longer, cook - er, be cooked for, make seasonal treats (i.e. - pumpkin cheesecake truffles... glorious.) write, listen to music, take pictures, read good books, watch good movies (even scarier ones, y'all. i don't really understand.) take really long walks/run, drink wine or coffee or homemade hot chocolate, and be surrounded by candles... and love. lots of lovely love. Ironically, I also get the wanderlust pretty badly. I have this strong desire to be organized, to get everything set up just so. So, as much as I love to be home in my cozy nest, I tend to be incredibly productive and inspired when the autumn and winter come round.

At the same time, I feel like I can begin to enjoy this season, and perhaps life in general a bit more than usual.  Or maybe it's that I'm coming into a place of contentment... a rest in the chaos.  Because, there is most definitely in need of a lot of resolution... and I've made some difficult choices, and I'm hanging in there. But, I'm seeing some positive change, if ever so slowly in me... in my heart... and best of all in my mind. I've decided not to hide anymore, and it's super hard coming out of hiding. I've never had such a hard time telling the truth... but I'm glad I have. It scares me that I may have hurt some people who are closest to my heart... it scares me that I'll have their understandable disapproval. But sometimes what I feel is the right thing won't make a whole lot of sense to everyone. And it's taken me twenty-some years to realize that it's ok. I love my friends and their concern, but sometimes I have to go in a certain way that I believe is right for me at a certain time. I didn't realize how much of the weight on my shoulders was because of this... and it's been lifted. Who knows where this road will lead... But, I'm happy to be inspired. I'm embracing these humbling times. I'm soaking it up. It's good to rest a little inside.

to whom it may concern.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I don't like it.
My grandma always told me that a lie was an intent to deceive. There wasn't a whole lot of little white lie gray area for her. And, I appreciate that these days. I think it's done me pretty good. Besides, I'm a really really bad liar. But, right now, I feel like a liar, and that doesn't make me happy. It's more an intent to keep some information hidden, for now because I cannot take the amount of disappointment that will be thrown my way. So, I've gone silent.

I feel like I've needed people more than ever to just believe in me, or to just listen without those stern looks... or worried faces. Just some love and some hugs. I'd just like for someone to walk in my shoes and see things the way I see it. I'm real thankful that there are a couple of people stepping up to that challenge. But for the most part, it isn't the way. And as one friend said, in response to my very cryptic description of the situation, "you can rapidly feel like an island."

On top of this, I'm absolutely scared out of my mind that my decision was wrong. Mostly, I feel pretty bled white from the whole situation. I feel taken advantage of. I need to say something, but I'm not sure what to say... I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to move from here. And so, I'm frozen in silence... overthinking from the moment I wake up until I lay my head down at night, and wake again in the middle of dreams, to sleep, to wake when the alarm goes off.

Meanwhile, work has picked up... and my list of responsibilities feels like it's growing on the daily. I have thrown myself headlong into this and into moving, so that I can't really feel much else. Sometimes, numbness is a beautiful beautiful thing. That is, until it wears off, or the deep melancholy is awakened by exhaustion.

So many little lovely things are in the pipeline. It's just a matter of time... of waiting. It's a matter of trying to find enough extra nooks and crannies of hours in the day to be productive. It's a matter of holding it all together. It's a matter of not growing weary in well-doing... It's a matter of perseverance.
But I'm ready for resolution. I'm ready for breakthrough. I'm ready for the end of this season. I'm in need of some release.  For the joy that comes in the morning after a dark night of the soul.

Bring on the sun, please...