Thursday, December 8, 2011

s a b o t a g e [own it and turn]

if you listen carefully, you'll hear it

look closely, it's in plain sight

the detachment.

the push.

the sabotage.

dressed up in all kinds of fancy costumes.

impostor. posing.

unmasked. exposed for what you really are.

humility is plated and served with silver cutlery.

because, after all, i am mostly to blame here.

let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, though.

no lashes. no jail time.

just own it and turn.

hang the fear from the gallows.

tie the insecurities to the stake and watch them burn.

but beware friends and lovers, the ghosts will haunt the place

the spirits of lies will whisper until you hear them.

they'll slam doors in the middle of the night until you deal with them.

until the wrongs are made right.

own them and turn.

hurled fists to the wall.

and they drew a line down my wrists.

spelling out a reminder of what really is.

and they handed out validation tickets for anger.

and validation tickets for fear.

but they are meant only for passing through...

not meant to keep me here.

not meant to be hired on as some servant of depression

those heavy invisible hands stealing away my heart...

the alarms have been ringing

i just keep ignoring them all.

but the silence here pushes me further into those arms.

and the looks of scorn not intended for me...

but i receive.

and i must work for the kindness that i dole out freely?

for the care.

for the concern.

and i'm exhausted by loneliness

and attempting to win a love i cannot earn.

to keep what cannot be stolen.

to save what won't be lost.

but that silence speaks volumes to the wounds in my heart.

and the careless words reinforce my doubts.

and on the stars and on the ones

i make wishesand exhaling. offering...

prayers to the God of my life

out of the roaring in my soul

out of the tremors in new bones

out of the visions in my head

out of the dreamings of dread

out of the history repeating

out of the present tug of war

out of the darkness comes light

to own it and turn it

and swallow it whole

and a joy to replace it

and a grip in my hands to hold it

thanksgiving flooding my mouth

for that sweet one asleep on my lap

for the strong arms

that my heart will be held in yours

kept safe

no running

no sabotage

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