goodbye, two thousand and eleven.

2012.
it's time to find rest here.
it's time for peace.
the shalom kind.
health.
wholeness.
a quiet heart.
a lifestyle of love that kicks out fear.
it's time for forgiveness.
this year has involved some people who have wounded me deeply.
but it's time to stop hiding them and pretend they didn't happen.
to release all of these hurts that i haven't gotten over.
because it's turning to bitterness and i can feel my heart going numb.
it's time to learn to say no.
it's time to stand up for myself in a healthy way.
but it's also time to abandon hiding and self preservation.

there's this proverb that says: "The human spirit can endure a sick body,
but who can bear a crushed spirit?" (proverbs 18:14)

there have been times this year when i've expressed that to people i've allowed to be close to me. i've posted signs saying, "right now, please tread softly here in this area. this is thin ice. please, be respectful. please, be cautious. please, be overly aware." and they disregarded all of it. and the moment i expressed my feelings, i was met with defensiveness or remorse. only for it all to happen again. and again. and again.

they just don't get it, no matter how often i spell it out and sit them down.
so this year, i'm saying...
STOP.
STOP.
no.
JUST. STOP.
because
there is so much here...
so many wonderful things. new and old.
i'm in love.
and honestly, i'd really just like to be able to relax in it.
i'm tired of feeling threatened.
i'm tired of feeling inadequate.
because i allow myself to feel that way...
AND
because i allow people to make me feel that way.

enough is enough.

and so, my new years' resolution is to allow myself to be loved.
let go of some unhealthy situations.
and make the wonderful people in my life a priority.
the ones who make me a priority.
and being a people pleasing personality, this is harder than you might think.

"there will come a time, you'll see... with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but DISMISS your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."