goodbye, two thousand and eleven.

2012.
it's time to find rest here.
it's time for peace.
the shalom kind.
health.
wholeness.
a quiet heart.
a lifestyle of love that kicks out fear.
it's time for forgiveness.
this year has involved some people who have wounded me deeply.
but it's time to stop hiding them and pretend they didn't happen.
to release all of these hurts that i haven't gotten over.
because it's turning to bitterness and i can feel my heart going numb.
it's time to learn to say no.
it's time to stand up for myself in a healthy way.
but it's also time to abandon hiding and self preservation.

there's this proverb that says: "The human spirit can endure a sick body,
but who can bear a crushed spirit?" (proverbs 18:14)

there have been times this year when i've expressed that to people i've allowed to be close to me. i've posted signs saying, "right now, please tread softly here in this area. this is thin ice. please, be respectful. please, be cautious. please, be overly aware." and they disregarded all of it. and the moment i expressed my feelings, i was met with defensiveness or remorse. only for it all to happen again. and again. and again.

they just don't get it, no matter how often i spell it out and sit them down.
so this year, i'm saying...
STOP.
STOP.
no.
JUST. STOP.
because
there is so much here...
so many wonderful things. new and old.
i'm in love.
and honestly, i'd really just like to be able to relax in it.
i'm tired of feeling threatened.
i'm tired of feeling inadequate.
because i allow myself to feel that way...
AND
because i allow people to make me feel that way.

enough is enough.

and so, my new years' resolution is to allow myself to be loved.
let go of some unhealthy situations.
and make the wonderful people in my life a priority.
the ones who make me a priority.
and being a people pleasing personality, this is harder than you might think.

"there will come a time, you'll see... with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but DISMISS your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

12:30

run away with me in the night
til we get to the edge of the sea
footprints only to be stolen by the receding tide
or to the starry hill
or hide away in my room
make the music drown out the noise
nothing but smiling faces
and that feeling when my nose is buried in your neck
like everything is speeding up
and everything is slowing down
all at the same time
and your eyes start talking
saying i'm safe here
saying it's all turned right
no guards
no fears
just us
bathed in lights

they've all been there, i think
she makes the waves come strong
she makes the words flow quickly
too much light in the retina…
and she'll help me plan the escape route
help me to slip away and disappear
put on the straight jacket
or quietly shrink to the bedroom
pretend, like a madwoman that you saw nothing
that it doesn't exist
swirling motions like whirlpools
and i can see that look in his eyes
he's a little worried
they can sense the truth that we try to ignore
feel the timidity on our skin
taste the fear on our brow
the panic simmering just beneath the surface
you all have your escape patterns
you all have your crutches
and mock me when i walk with a limp
my eyes glazed like donuts
no one will notice.
the warmth evaporated
so crawl into bed and i'll stay there hidden
don't ask.
don't tell.
just hide.
my stories unheard
my thoughts unprocessed
those songs unwritten
a good woman, unwanted
now let's pretend it's all science
let's pretend it all exists
let's pretend i feel nothing
pretend like a madman that you saw nothing
and i'll write out of it
that abyss.
they've all been there, i think
she makes the waves come strong
she makes the words flow quickly
too much light in the retina…
eyes closed.

...

there's that beautiful laughing face. and even when not smiling, there's laughter in her eyes. the corners of her mouth begging to come up. she's happy. at rest and happy.

she'd been awake for a day, at least. jet-lagged. sleep deprivation marked her face. he was so nervous... talking too fast and then too little... he was "awestruck by her beauty". he said.

words like those don't go easily.

there's this split. equal parts hope and fear.
damn the word, fear and its cold hands and ability to woo a healthy beautiful young woman into a paralytic. its ability to change the atmosphere from that of bright sun to impending hurricane.
i'll spit the names from my mouth with all of the blame.
and leave room for shadows.
all this talk of fighting makes me want to fight every last one who would make a mockery of my love and attempt to entice it from me. greedy mouths feasting on their cake and stealing mine too. and though that fear may shake me, i will stand with clenched teeth and tears. eyes open. i will not move to hold anyone back. i will not cling. i cannot make anyone stay. i cannot move any heart to love. control is an illusion. and it is not my duty to fight here.
but to you who call me your friend. who speak of love. who lie to my face. who disregard commitment and twist daggers. who have no respect for these things.
and you for enticing it. for beckoning. for playing with fire.
i'd rather bloody your face for the betrayal.
i have to bite my tongue from cursing...
and so silent...
yeah, no more.
because, all of this hits too close to home.
repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
and i intend on cutting the tape.
erase my memory.
of a ring on my finger and an invitation to celebrate the first year...
and i am met by silence.
silence like that doesn't go easily.
and ring in the new year
to have your beloved disappear.
silence like that doesn't go easily.
every.
last.
one.
and now, i'm asked to ignore every ounce of intuition
every alarm bell ringing
every intonation in or out of context
close my eyes and smile like a woman at rest.
well.
send.
them.
away.
and tell it to me slow...
words like that don't go easily.
or stain the air with silence.
...

nothing new. just a reminder.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, inpenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." - c.s. lewis

wake up o sleeper.

it's looking pretty magical around here. this is the men's side of the salon.


i'm going to start by saying, i really love my new job.

not only that, but the people i work with are just lovely, as well.

very encouraging.

one of our top stylists cut my hair yesterday and she did an amazing job. (obviously.)

my hair, however, is being saved from a very sad state. essentially, my hair has broken off and thinned out because of stress. it's now a smidgen past my shoulders when straight.

wake. up. nitasha.

the past year and a half has been really taxing in so many ways. and i hate to say it, but my piano playing and singing has fallen to the wayside. i mean, there are some good things that have happened and that needed my attention... and though i have been writing, i've done nothing to make them become tangible pieces. my social life has dwindled down, as well. partly because i've been so used to working with friends at a restaurant, and now that isn't the case. partly, because i'm just a bit of a homebody. i've also gone from running around like a mad-woman, to staying predominantly seated during my work day. UGH. nopity. nope. nope.
so it's time to make things move.

i've gotten back into the kitchen some, thanks to pinterest and have made some super yummy treats, including oreo truffles, pumpkin cheesecake, and last night's homemade hot chocolate. DE-LISH.

i've also got the itch to take more photos and get back into some art, as well.

i am on a quest to find a place in nashville that has some seriously good yoga, pilates, dance and kickboxing. whether this is a gym or not, matters not so much to me. i would rather run outside, anyway.

and i need to take a little more 'me' time.

feel a little less guilty for vegging out on the couch to watch a movie or to get caught up on gossip girl or my new fetish, the new girl.
and a vacation needs to be imminent. i mean, in the dead of winter... before spring comes and after christmas. and what with one of my best girlfriends living in kingston jamaica? i mean... more on that later.

it's like i've been laid out after some damage has happened to my heart.

but bed rest time is over.

it's time to work this thing out, and really get going again.

wake. up. nitasha.

s a b o t a g e [own it and turn]

if you listen carefully, you'll hear it

look closely, it's in plain sight

the detachment.

the push.

the sabotage.

dressed up in all kinds of fancy costumes.

impostor. posing.

unmasked. exposed for what you really are.

humility is plated and served with silver cutlery.

because, after all, i am mostly to blame here.

let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater, though.

no lashes. no jail time.

just own it and turn.

hang the fear from the gallows.

tie the insecurities to the stake and watch them burn.

but beware friends and lovers, the ghosts will haunt the place

the spirits of lies will whisper until you hear them.

they'll slam doors in the middle of the night until you deal with them.

until the wrongs are made right.

own them and turn.

hurled fists to the wall.

and they drew a line down my wrists.

spelling out a reminder of what really is.

and they handed out validation tickets for anger.

and validation tickets for fear.

but they are meant only for passing through...

not meant to keep me here.

not meant to be hired on as some servant of depression

those heavy invisible hands stealing away my heart...

the alarms have been ringing

i just keep ignoring them all.

but the silence here pushes me further into those arms.

and the looks of scorn not intended for me...

but i receive.

and i must work for the kindness that i dole out freely?

for the care.

for the concern.

and i'm exhausted by loneliness

and attempting to win a love i cannot earn.

to keep what cannot be stolen.

to save what won't be lost.

but that silence speaks volumes to the wounds in my heart.

and the careless words reinforce my doubts.

and on the stars and on the ones

i make wishesand exhaling. offering...

prayers to the God of my life

out of the roaring in my soul

out of the tremors in new bones

out of the visions in my head

out of the dreamings of dread

out of the history repeating

out of the present tug of war

out of the darkness comes light

to own it and turn it

and swallow it whole

and a joy to replace it

and a grip in my hands to hold it

thanksgiving flooding my mouth

for that sweet one asleep on my lap

for the strong arms

that my heart will be held in yours

kept safe

no running

no sabotage

do not be afraid.

let's.

ps.

kiiinda miss london sometimes.