what can i say or do to change those gray eyes back to blue...[outrun.]

On
the edge of the world
All you’ve seen and heard
Won’t be held in words
It’s bigger than this
It’s bigger than you
Swallowed up by the tune
Sing it out into view

The crush of the riot
Let it be quiet in here for you
All the seas surround
But they won’t drown you
Should all this block out the sun
Then we’ll build a fire for you
And love. Love won’t be
Outrun.

Deep
in your bones it aches
All the strength that it takes
all the waves it makes
it flows in your blood
facedown in the mud
and you rise like a flood
it pulls you back up

The crush of the riot
Let it be quiet in here for you
All the seas surround
But they won’t drown you
Should all this block out the sun
Then we’ll build a fire for you
And love. Love won’t be
Outrun.

dress me up.

and if you're wantin' the truth honey, i'm fallin harder and harder...

may 11, 2010.

dear members of the national,

thank you for making one of the most heartbreaking and epic albums i've heard in a very long time. it feels very much the same as when i am playing the piano and am unable to verbalize emotions... like it suddenly has a place to flow. it finally has a language to speak it.
dam breaks.
and i cry like a baby.
i'm an emotional woman. and this album underlines it and puts it in boldface all caps print.
and makes me unashamed of that.

love,
nitasha


i will be buying this at the first moment i have on the 11th of may.
today is the last day to hear it on the nytimes.com
and binge i will.

black eyed angels swam with me.

-photo: elizabeth angela


Cupid blacked my eyes out
And I don’t know what love’s about
I’m a complicated answer found
My restless hands won’t calm you down

Don’t you believe it when I fall
Cos I will scale the walls
And I won’t give in when you call
I am climbing up the walls

Don’t you chase me down with words
It’s nothing that I haven’t heard
Run away while you still can
I’m just a girl; you’re still a man

Hold on if you dare
Vanish in thin air
It’s not what it seems
I’m not trying to be mean
My eyes are elsewhere
Vanish in thin air
I’m not what I seem
You’ll see what I mean

Don’t you believe it when I fall
Cos I will scale the walls
And I won’t give in when you call
I am climbing up the walls

i dont wanna get over you. [she'll speak when she's spoken to]

i live in a city sorrow built. it's in my honey. it's in my milk. now that spring is finally here in your hollow heart, drive through the forest and into the night. away from the city, away from the lights.
to use a michael shepard-ism... i feel emotionally 'calm and reticent.'
i feel as though my heart has been stripped of all of the weights and ties and walls, and as freeing as that is... i now, find myself incredibly vulnerable.

i'm tired of learning to say goodbye to people i care deeply about.
i'm tired of hiding myself away in the name of self-preservation.
i'm tired of the revolving door in my life, through which people come and go.
i'm tired of being unable to fully enjoy people because of the fear that they'll be leaving soon. my eyes are always on the door.

in other news, i went for a hike/adventure today... i'm still so excited about it. i felt like i did when i was a little girl following unknown paths in the woods by the river just to see where it took me. found the quarry, finally...after years of wondering where it was and how to get to it. annnd the way to get to those giant billboards tucked away in the trees that you can see from the highway. it was a very good day.

i feel like myself again.
i'd just like to rest here a while.
and listen to the new national record for days while exploring hidden trails or driving to the ocean.

copy & paste. [cup of encouragement.]

This is an exerpt from my friend Seth's blog... written by his father a couple of years ago.

Seth has always used his sarcasm as a defense mechanism. That used to bother me. No longer does it bother me because we all have our defense mechanisms, and I know Seth’s heart. Regardless of how a person behaves, or what you think he thinks, and what you think you know about a person, if their heart is right - all is good with the world.

Seth’s heart has always been right. No one I know has a bigger or a more tender heart. I know because I have one, too. No one I know wears it on their sleeve more than my wonderful son, Seth. When you have a “right” heart, it will always be compassionate for those things that are worth being compassionate about. It will always care way more deeply than most hearts. It will also be broken way more than one can sometimes handle. It will always be in a position to be damaged.

When Seth’s heart is broken, it comes from a deep sense of validation. I so relate to this because all my life I have worked to prove myself to anyone who will pay attention. Parents, teachers, coaches, professors, friends, colleagues……..I have never felt that I could or would measure up, so………I convinced myself that if I work harder than the others, I will be appreciated - validated.

I am so sorry that I have lived my life this way for way too many years. I am sorry that I have worked myself into sickness for what I believed was what I was supposed to do at that time.

I so NOT desire that for my son - or any of my sons. I don’t regret caring for people, and serving them as Christ would serve them, but I have to believe I could have taken a more healthy approach to doing those things.

So, please, Seth - learn from that! Don’t worry about validation. Don’t worry about being appreciated. It will NEVER be enough. Most people are too busy dealing with their own “stuff” to concern themselves with appreciating your art. Sorry - brutal, but true.

Instead, concern yourself with being appreciated by only God Himself. For all the triteness of that phrase, it could not be more profound. If what you create pleases Him, then that really is all that matters…….

Julie Mehretu. [hello love.]

the ghost who walks.

ghost hunt.

Darling it’s a long way down
If I fall no one will hear the sound
Left with only echoes in my ears
And the coming true of all my fears
So forgive me if I close the door
Cos I cannot see you anymore
And I’ve let you further in than most
But I’m hunted by the same old ghost

I can’t believe a word you say
Cos all my trust has flown away
Like birds to find eternal spring
I’ve given up on all these things

If I’m silent then you will not know
How deep the deepest arrows go
If I tell you everything that’s been
You’ll embody every one of them
So forgive me if I close the door
Cos I cannot hear you anymore
And I’ve let you further in than most
But I’m hunted by the same old ghost

I won’t believe a word you say
Cos all my love has flown away
Like birds to find eternal spring
I’ve given up on all these things

good day.

I’ve got a pretty garden
Just sprang up here from the ground
I’ve got a quiet notion
That I might keep it around
There’s a fire in the living room
And china cups of tea
A peculiar sort of day where
I am lost in make believe

And it feels so nice
Like a good day should
And I’m swallowed up in sunlight
In my corner of the wood

I just might write a love letter
And leave no return address
And leave it for someone to find
And see if they’re impressed
And I might jump in the river
To see where it’s running to
Like the days at kings dominion
Floating down on inner-tubes

And it feels so nice
Like a good day should
And I’m swallowed up in sunlight
In my corner of the wood

dear friends, [abc easy as 1.2.3...]

1.) i simply cannot deal with this boy's genius. CAN'T.
have a look and just ... mannnnnnnn.
http://www.iamtinhead.blogspot.com/

2.) stabbing oneself in the lip with a straw is mighty painful and i do not recommend it.

3.) some of you wonder how/why i force myself to get up earlier than i already do so that i can go for a run before clocking in some overtime...

this is why:

what is not visible in this picture taken on my blackberry (to the left) is the cityscape of washington d.c.

4.) get ready. i got an idea for a mashup... and i've got some dj/engineer partners in crime on the case. so excited!!

love.

me

hold your breath.

Last day kickin around
A hundred statements of colour
Last day talking about
How we look at each other
Scroll down there to the name
You really wanna discover
In the background of my mind
I’m scared you’ll be like a brother

Give up wandering around
Understanding the ups and the downs
Understanding you’re lost then you’re found
Just waiting and waiting around
Til I turn blue

One more week of sleeping
Just enough to feel tired
One more star-crossed lover
Turning into a fighter
They finally found the words
For what you’ve tried to say
This is your prodigal daughter
Just calling to say I’m on my way

Give up wandering around
Understanding the ups and the downs
Understanding you’re lost then you’re found
Just waiting and waiting around
Til I turn blue

once upon a time...

i wished for practicality in romance.
it seems that flower has bloomed in my garden.
and i'm not afraid of losing it. i'm measuring out the cups of affection. i'm taking my sweet time.

and what was said to the rose to make it unfold, was said to me here in my chest...
so be quiet now, and rest.

i'd like you to meet frank.

he's a funkasaurus rex with sweet dance moves.
i may be in love with a dinosaur. byeeeee.

Dear London,

Just to say, I miss you.

I miss waking up in my best friend’s bed, which is very much the same as my own. I miss the sun streaming through the top and bottom of the thick closed curtains… just to let me know I’m still magic, and have once again brought the sun to North London. Stretching, lounging, and straining to listen over the screaming children at play across the street to see if anyone else is awake yet… The scent of brewing coffee answers my question and soon there will be some band’s brand new tunes wafting from Matt’s bedroom. With bed head and sleepy eyes, I’ll perch myself on the love-seat and leaf through some fashion or music magazine that won’t be out for another month or so in the States, while Clive hides all traces of the makeshift bed in the living room and checks emails. Three troubadours join in silent camaraderie to seize the glorious morning spread before us. Breathe in the coffee’s steam… (the brand of which I still cannot remember.) Soon we’ll tell anecdotes of the night before, and soon a phone will vibrate… and the derogatory greeting and conversations littered with “yes bruv” will put a smile on my face. I probably won’t be able to get it off for the rest of the day. I’ll run down a mental list of things to do… places to explore… and people to meet today. Matt will fly down the stairs off to some meeting, because that boy will someday rule the world. Between my friends and I, some decision will be made... and it may involve a walk to Holloway Road to that café for a good English fry up. Or a walk to the tube station… and then heaven knows what we’ll get into, who we’ll meet, what we'll cook, what treasure i'll find on oxford street, what i'll learn, where I'll be next and what ridiculousness I’ll just haaaaappen to stumble upon when I get there. But, I assure you this, it will be wonderful… and it will become a life memorial that I’ll celebrate for years to come. Another sweet soul to dote upon… a new friend to get to know… and each second will seep into songs… into dreams… tint every colour of paint in the palette that makes up my life.
Heartache comes and goes. Happy spells enter and exit. Excitement waxes and wanes. Boredom still visits now and then. But in this place… in Londontown… my heart beats just right. It’s the one place that sounds like all my favourite songs. It’s the one place that mimicks being next to the sea. The one place that brings the stillness/excitement of being in the arms of someone who’s absolutely mad about you… That calm. Being so very much apart of the world and yet being so aware that it’s all so very dim. Engulfed in the peace. Propelled by the undercurrent of joy.

Home.

I feel like I’m in some sort of prison. With debts serving as my chains. And I just want to go home.

love.
nitasha

young folks vs. 1901

remember.

sometimes i let everything get the best of me.
today was one of those days.
i missed the forest for the trees.
i missed the good for fear of shadows.
time to be still and get perspective.

also. my ipod is resurrected. hallelujah. easter wednesday, y'all!

not over yet.

Too hot. Too dark.
Madness weighs a ton.
Trying harder. running while you’re young.
Clouds of voices keep on cheering on.
But you’ve stopped listening
All you hear is wrong.

Cold sweat. Burning
Panic in the sun.
People crowding.
You still need someone.
That prescription sure does numb the pain
Diagnosis makes you feel insane

Do not be afraid
Cos It’s not over yet
When it’s all too much
Don’t you give into it
Rest your weary head
And just take a breath
It’s not over yet
It’s not over yet

Fall beside me
Cry and scream aloud
It’s far from over
Hold on to me now
I feel your fingers clinging to my voice
Hope is rising
Slow above the noise

When you’re shaking
I’ll sing to your bones
When you’re lonesome
You are not alone
Come now darling
Come lift up your head
Peace is crushing all
The fear and dread

Do not be afraid
Cos It’s not over yet
When it’s all too much
Don’t you give into it
Rest your weary head
And just take a breath
It’s not over yet
It’s not over yet

yes yes y'all. and you don't stop.

honorable mention.

favourite.

hot.dang.

just 3. [for my girls.]

Pack your backs
We’re leavin home
For the shores of
The ocean
Just 3
Just 3
Make up stories
Write a song
Sing it to oblivion
Just 3
Just 3

Soak it up and
Shake it girl
Dive into the rush and swirl
They cannot steal our sun
They cannot make our fun
Find the songs and
Shake it girl
We’ll take on the whole wide world
They cannot steal our sun
They cannot take the sun from us three

Wind is blowin
It won’t light
First clove cigarettes that night
Just 3
Just 3
Photoshootin
Cheeks all red
Makin sneaky drinks instead
For 3
Just 3

These are the good days
These are the good ways
We were the good ones
Your still the best ones

Soak it up and
Shake it girl
Dive into the rush and swirl
They cannot steal our sun
They cannot make our fun
Find the songs and
Shake it girl
We’ll take on the whole wide world
They cannot steal our sun
They cannot take the sun from us three

i could hear you singin to me in my sleep.

It’s just occurred to me, that it’s been a minute since I’ve given any sort of substantial update.
The last couple of days have been quite eventful and are as follows…

I took off Good Friday, because I couldn’t see myself sitting in traffic for 4 hours like I did last year. Good thing I did because traffic was just as bad as anticipated, aaaand I pulled a muscle in my back. WAYHEY!
So went to the doctor and received my first ever rx for muscle relaxers. So long insomnia. Hello dreamland.
While I was there, it seems my phone was the place to be. And I missed the party. So, Saturday morning, I remedied that by getting on the phone first thing in the morning with Vanessa for a good hour.
I was super excited about the surprise visit from my mom. So all the girls (my mom, grandma and I) went for some yummy Chinese food.
Went back to the house shrouded in the fog that was left over from my muscle-relaxed sleep… to pack up a few odds and ends for Pittsburgh. Dan came down with a stomach virus, and so, I was on my own.
Twas a lovely drive, actually. Very nostalgic driving through parts of West Virginia to Pennsylvania, taking the same route we’d take to my step-dad’s family reunion. Also, it still amazes me that my step-dad is able to give two sets of directions from the top of his head that match the google map and mapquest directions almost identically. Ridiculous.
Arrived in Pittsburgh at sunset…

The rest of the evening involved making friends with a lovely girl called Katie, people watching, and all kinds of fun/random conversation/road-tripping/story-telling with these lads:

They’re pretty much amazing. I’m in love with all of them… in a family sort of way, I mean. And you should be too. Also, I’ve decided to keep them. And their show was swell. I laughed a lot.
I also received a marriage proposal via drunk dial, which may have been the best of my life thus far. And I've decided that I will say yes. So, I guess I'm gettin married. So, there's that.

At 4:30am Easter morning, Michael pointed out to me, that it was the time that I usually wake up for work. That was a gross realization. Especially, as we weren’t even close to calling the evening to a close.
Also, my ipod died easter morning. (RIP Winston III) I wanted to weep. Fortunately, I was having THAT much fun, that I didn’t get too very sad. However, my drive home from ohio was a bit strained with only cds.(yeah, about that ohio thing… 1.5 hours in the wrong direction seemed far easier than 4.5 hours home at 2something in the morning.) But, it was nice revisiting some old doves records and modest mouse and beatles in CD collection form... yessss. However, after a decent night’s sleep, the impact of loss has been felt. Cue grief.

And it took foooooorever thanks to the gps trying to take me the most ridiculous routes EVER. Thanks blackberry for your effective google maps gps whiiiich saved the day. If my step-dad is unavailable, I shall consult it first.
Just realized I haven’t eaten since Saturday afternoon. However, this may be breakfast…

it's kind of too cute to eat, though.
Finally, it seems I’m full of worry again. I need a cup of patience with room for grace and at least 3 packets of hope.
All is well. All will be well. – this should be my mantra.

talented mister fox.

i'm pleased beyond belief to say that i own one of his paintings. and one day i'll be a regular collector.