Tuesday, September 29, 2009

my mind is heavy.

My mind is heavy.
Intent on mimicking the weight bearing down on my shoulders.
Like twisted fingers pushing stress further down.
Massaging my muscles into knots.
You start not to notice after a while.
I tiptoe through the familiar hallway.
There’s no avoiding the creaks in the floorboards
Sweetly opening their palms to take my steps
To confiscate a trail of tears.
I don’t remember how I got there
It’s so routine from there to here.
To this quiet room.
To the bed welcoming only me.
A bed you made.
At the mention of your name
I go no further.
I am scorned…
My mind is heavy.
Filled with deafening sirens and bells and alarms
Ringing. Ringing. Ringing.
Never sure whether it’s a fire drill or the real thing.
So i lifted the windows and descended the fire escape.
There’s smoke coming out everywhere.
The heat of the flames doesn’t come close to this fever in my livid skin.
But the rescue teams aren’t listening.
The smoke filling my lungs like your scent.
And still I’m reeling. And I can’t breathe anymore…
I can’t learn.
And everything starts to look a bit like an old black and white tv
My mind is heavy
I keep seeing your face.
It keeps getting uglier.
And I swear if you touch me again, you’ll wish you hadn’t.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.
I’m not really sure how to make the words speak.
It comes out sweeter than I mean for it to.
Politely requesting to excuse myself from you.
From them.
From the grisly assault.
They just laugh. They never answer.
So I just pretend it will stop soon.
Always afraid of hurting those who are incapable of feeling.
No damsel in distress.
Just misled.
Little Red Riding Hood filled with compassion for a big bad wolf.
Angry wolf taking it all out on me.
Blank canvas painted red, taking more and more and more…
My mind is heavy
I mean well.
I meant well.
Instant replay.
Rehearsing the past
And inadvertently practice for the future
Numbers incessantly entering the screen of my mind’s eye
Like an adding machine.
It’s broken.
I’ll never fix it.
It’s broken.
Time travel hasn’t been invented…
Outside of my head, anyway.
Perhaps it’s like when the astronauts go to space…
And they lose bone density.
Maybe it’s the same with all this time travel in my head
Just reversed.
So I stay here engaging the present.
It’s such a shambles from my point of view.
I’m exhausted.
Can I just sit down?
Can I just have a hand?
Or do you have something for my head?
My mind is heavy.
Much too heavy for me.

No comments: