heads will roll.

this is my friend, guy.

and this is one of the many reasons why he amazes me...

now, go and have a feast for your weary eyes.
GUYEPPEL.COM

i say we rob banks with guitars.

i want.

and.

um. perfect.
do you have any idea?
i am in dire need of a good gangster movie. post.haste.
i went to the doctor today. hopefully i'm fixed. =)
when i got home, our neighbour was prepping some fish outside. and then offered to cook some for me too and bring it over.
such a thoughtful gesture.
see? maybe there's some good left in this world after all.
of course there is.

local native.

i've come to the conclusion: either i've got a severe case of allergies worse than nashville kind. (is that even real?!) or something is going on with my body. because it's a frantic case of crazy aches and dizziness and nausea and overall grossness that isn't even alright.

thankfully local native tunes make me happy.
aaaalways "new" music to be found like treasures round a sunken ship.

i'm developing an anger... rather disgust for someone. it's a new emotion. hmm. well, not new. just new towards the person.
i really don't want to have these sorts of feelings. but man, mistrust is blossoming right alongside hope this spring. weird, huh? let's weed this garden.
because i had this horrid dream last night. to think of it makes me get super emotional. it was awful. i was faced with the darkest places of myself. what my uncontrolled temper is capable of. and it was crippling someone i love most. i was watching it happen. and it made me more angry, because i couldn't stop it. i'd like to forget it. but not the meaning. that the power of life and death is truly in the tongue. you can lift people up or you can cripple them with your words...with your tone.

and i'm sorry.

there are also people i've decided not to like. and for good reason.
but this isn't love, is it?
i'm a spoiled brat sometimes. dang.
man. something is going on. it's like, there's no room for this bitterness that's grown up here. there's no room for this pride... nothing good comes from a prideful heart anyway. songs that taste like bitter water. salty water. they quench nothing. only make you thirst for more. humility doesn't mean becoming a doormat. it's like meekness...also not synonomous with weakness...but rather a strength under control.

i need sleep and laughter and a hug, i think.

hey honey, what you tryin to say?

just got in from la capitale d'etats-unis.
i don't understand how i live so close to this beautiful city and i'm rarely there.

oh, this must change. and quick.

even more ridiculous, is the fact that it was just about 1 am when i got in, and all of these young kids were out playing and riding bikes and whatnot, while their parents were ... hanging out? like it was 1 in the afternoon.

i cannot wait to sleep in tomorrow morning for the first time in... i really don't know how long. 3 weeks at the very least.

and i'm on fire.

i definitely kept falling asleep while driving to work this morning... at my desk... and then i fell over like some kind of drunkard and caught myself on the bathroom stall walls.

i proceeded to laugh. a lot.

thankfully no one was in there. oh man.

i can't stop listening to kasabian. is this a problem?

nah.

currently reading: british vogue. finally twas in the bookstore this weekend. tardy mctardersons. but it was well worth the wait. i was gasping at every page so far. that's some good stuff. how refreshing.
p.s. i want this jacket. please and thanks.

they will see us waving from such great heights...

i want to know what it feels like to be rested again.
and gosh the last week or two has had a few gems in it, but overall...hard and stupid madness. i've had the crap kicked out of me emotionally, and i'm really tired...and not handling it so well.
nevertheless, mr. pinnock brought a flood of sunshine to my day. along with emilia, dan and stephy.

this morning, i escaped to the boat landing on the river... at first glance, there were a bunch of men everywhere fishing. ah. sunday fish time. grand.
upon closer inspection, i saw that these were dads and grandads with their sons and grandsons, families, and friends. a little boy casting the line and getting it caught in a tree... so, his dad came over, extracted the line, sorted everything out again, and helped him try it again. it was quiet. no one was in trouble. no one was yelling or being yelled at. all of these clusters of family and friends enjoying each other on a beautiful spring morning.
for some reason this restored a bit of hope in humanity again.

tonight the back yard is filled with the fragrance of lilac blossoms.

in these moments, the world is quiet here.

things unsaid./letters unsent.

• funny how a pair of heels can make a girl feel so nice.
• i'm not sure what this means, but by friday i really want nothing more than some red wine, favourite friends, an adventure, smart conversation, laughter and loads of lovely love.
• dear sir, i feel like a fourth grade girl when her crush has just entered the room. where the heck did this come from? why are my cheeks pink? why is my heart racing? why are my hands cold? what in the WORLD?! but do you see me? i mean. i know you see me. but do you see beneath all this? hmmm. i totally don't need this right about now.
• dear love, i'm sorry i'm afraid of you. that i doubt you. please don't ever leave on account of my idiocy and timidity. but then, that's the point, isn't it. you never ever will.
• dear friend, there's no need to take it out on me. can we laugh instead? can i get mad/sad/with you? or can i help distract you? or lift your vision higher? i love you.
• dear one, i still miss you. i noticed the tears have stopped. though i think about you a lot. more than you'll ever know, i think. but i've come to learn that you have gone crazy or become off-balance. not sure which. and i really hope you sort it out soon. because...as i said, i miss you. gosh, we could be having fun.
• dear beautiful, this you are. and you've made my life extra lovely because of it. i'm so so so thankful for you. thank you for just being you!
• dear lovelies. you are so better than all of this. and that's really just the point. you are beautiful. stop chasing after that affirmation at the expense of others. that isn't worth it. your heart is worth more than that. guard each other. love each other. take care of each other. be mindful. it's not a race against each other. we're family. let's act like it. xxxxx
• dearest brothers. stop. just stop. think. be practical. fight for us. finish what you start. and take responsibility for your actions. our hearts are gardens to be enjoyed. not looted. and you...YOU know better. you wouldn't let anyone get away with treating your little sister this way. oh. and just because a woman sees you and loves you hard just as you are, with a love beyond her means that gives you the grace to be all that you are, and the room to become...doesn't mean she's an angel or that she should be put on a pedestal. but she is a stunning treasure. a rare one. don't be an idiot and run from that. it's so good. and you will search but you won't ever find another love as good as hers. you'll find fleeting charm and manipulation dressed up as a sweet little hot tamale. lame. you're better than this.
• dear mister_____, you are amazing. thoughtful. wonderful. strong. you should know this. you should be told this daily.
• hey love. i wish you cared.
• dear sir. what the heck happened???? thank you for breaking my heart. so much good has come out of it. and you've changed so drastically...i don't even recognize you anymore.
• i won $100 today from a contest at work. =)
• i wish i saw myself the way you see me. you are wonderful. absolutely wonderful!
• dear babies, i miss you. i think of you more than your little minds can comprehend. it's springtime, and i'd much rather be in the park or drinking coffee and learning languages and taking walks and going on adventures and cuddling on the couch and singing songs... i hope you always know that part of me is always with you.

it's always like this.

+bombay bicycle club.
-burning my hand.
+love texts.
-parking tickets.
+emilia.
-boss yelling at me for no reason.
+dinner.
+cadbury easter eggs.
more +'s than -'s = perfect.

each day i spend it with you, now.

currently, i am obsessed with grizzly bear. (i actually formed tears listening to them at my desk today. oy vey!)

oh, and once again i have tricks up my sleeves.
i'm not saying one word.
we'll all be pleasantly surprised together. when planes start taking off and landing and i am on them.

and we'll have a little dance, shall we?

free as a bird.

springtime.
all i want to do is be outside.
all i want to do is laugh. and read. and board a plane to london or get to nashville and go on adventures with my favourite people. (and take that detour to paris. thanks to sweet parisian friends.)
i've never felt so incredibly empty and full, all at the same time.
it's kind of like when you've been carrying something heavy, and you're just so used to it being there... then one day, someone offers to help you carry it. and some people are able to just put it all down at once. but some people, like myself, are hard-headed and only put one piece down at a time.
one piece at a time i've put down these giant suitcases filled with garbage of the past and the broken bits of me, and disappointments and all kinds of things.

and i'm a little achy from carrying all that around.
i'm stuffed full of a hope and a love and a brand new expectation.
which, i'm still a liiiiittle unsure of.
but for the first time in a long time, my hands are absolutely empty.
my slate is clean. there is no affection for a boy hanging in my heart. no unrequited love tugging on my emotions. no places i'm afraid for love to see.
i'm naked and unashamed.
my hands are empty.
because how on earth can i pick up anything or embrace anything good, if i'm drowning in the weight of the world.

it's good to be free.

you two. you too.

take me down to some east side street
where the numbers and the letters meet
and you make an animal of me
oh how the caged bird sings so sweet
forget that we've got beating hearts
say they're just moving body parts
in the morning when the sun comes up
your hate will then out-race your love

when i recovered from all this
you greeted me with a holy kiss
you made angels' wings for you and me
and we at the fruit of that same tree
and left me there where we fell down
paper wings blown round the playground
so i hid myself away til spring
but you never came back to find me

takes an ocean of trust in the kingdom of rust.

i don't even care if anyone else thinks it's 'cool' or not.
sweet jesus, i love them.
and that makes it the best day ever.
thanks, my little parisian love.

also. i was listening to nme radio today. they make me giggle. i mean, a whole lot.
thanks for adding to my inappropriate-ness.
so, later, someone said something about the london protests and things...
and i just burst into laughter.
see? inappropriate.
though, if they'd heard the commentary i'd heard all day...and messages by friends, i'm sure they'd laugh too. as it was, i looked like a huge insensitive jerk.