pleased to make your acquaintance.

after nearly 3 weeks, i have internet again.

i'm so stupidly happy about this.

and now that i'm completely moved into my cozy little den,

i just might be back more often.

sunday, february 6, 2011

chaos.

disappointment.

infinity blues.

i feel like i am treading water...

fighting currents.

fighting myself.

fighting.

fighting.

fighting.

and losing.

asking.

asking.

asking.

access denied.

giving.

giving.

giving.

stolen.

depleted.

understanding.

offering.

being...

receiving cold shoulders and silence and rejection and judgement.

and i'm just tired...

of everything being the same.

of being disappointed.

i can't sleep.

i can't eat.

i feel miserable when i do both.

so i just keep moving until it all shuts down.

hoping it will all go numb.

because, nothing seems right.

still.

have you fallen asleep?

so, goodnight cruel world. i'll see you in the morning.

a friend of mine showed up tonight.

i saw her face...

her eyes searched mine...

instantly i lost it.

everything was not ok.

i dragged her to the bathroom of the restaurant, ducked into the stall and cried.

i haven't cried like that in a very long time.

and that is what becomes of opening my heart.

fools on parade. truman show. [help. p-p-p-piglet. me.]

"i'm not afraid of being hurt..." i said, to both of them.

It's kind of like any illness that's so annoying you wish you were dead. And obviously, if you let it get out of control or don't take antibiotics, it will kill you. But you won't die. It just sucks for a while and you get better. No. I'm afraid of being made a fool of. I'm afraid of looking stupid. I'm afraid of feeling like that dumb, fat, inadequate girl who isn't found attractive or ever loved in return. I'm afraid of something being so clear to everyone else around me, and I am the only one choosing not to see it. That's the real hardcore truth. It's so dumb, but that's how I feel. That is what I'm afraid of. Being a fool on parade in almost every aspect of my life.

she said, "yeah, you need to overcome those ideas. I struggle with them too, but I also have to daily remind myself when it boils down to it, this isn't the truman show, and all that matters is what you feel and think is right... is right."

she said, "the moment you begin to mistrust someone or their feelings for you, a wall goes up. and you don't even realise you're building it. but you are. and it's up. and it causes them to retreat."

this is not the truman show.

but, i can't get these walls down.

i'm right where you want me.

what a strange day.

and now, wide awake like i have no place to be tomorrow. but this, certainly is not true. it's gonna hurt when the alarm clock goes off. i slept in today, which felt glorious. i had plans i've looked forward to all week... and they all fell through.

i'm noticing this weird superstition is actually becoming the way things go...

everytime i celebrate something or get excited about anything, it will almost immediately be stopped. which is why i tend to be quite non-chalant about many things. my heart is slowly turning to stone. or metal. or something useless.

perfect example...

there is someone i'm awful fond of. he walks in the room, and i've trained myself to be so cool about it. i am focused man. on everything but him. someone else walks in that i'm friends with and i'll jump up and down and hug them tightly and be so thrilled. i am on my way to sabotaging this thing in order not to be hurt.

[oh hidey hiding hiding. whatcha trying to prove? by hidey-hiding-hiding you're not worth a thing]

another example...

i got so excited about having a day off...

and nothing happened.

it was one of those days where you stay in bed, because you can. and then everyone is trying to get their plans together... but they don't really concrete until the same time. which means, you've gone from zero to 110mph in a half hour. and you'll probably be late, because you've been in motionless mode. and now you're having to rush across town. all the plans fall through. and you just get sonic and call it a night and blog. slightly relieved because you're still kind of sleepy. and slightly bummed because nothing panned out, and you hate wasting free time.

my keyboard did seduce me today, and i sang out a few things.

nonetheless. perhaps i needed it.

but then again all my superstitions are preposterous, because i think they're actually defense mechanisms to keep disappointment at bay.

[you're losing the calling that you've been faking. and i'm not kidding. it's damned if you don't, and damned if you do.]

i got real emotional to cat power today.

i dont honestly know what brought it up or why.

all i know, is that a bunch of conversations have echoed each other, and i haven't asked for them. but people are going out of their way to let me know that i'm beautiful. inside and out.

and people are going out of their way to say that i should be steadfast in being myself.

friends. coworkers. strangers. family. a hollywood actress. i mean, everyone.

and i'm like that kid with my ears plugged going... "lalalalalalalala i can't HEAR YOU!"

i've been alone with myself all day.

i think maybe that was a plan that came to fruition by something bigger than myself.

had nothing to do with not wanting me to have a good day off or to have a good time.

but perhaps i needed a day with myself to sing and play it out.

to realise i'm not listening to anyone.

and i'm lying to myself.

i'm just hiding. and making a metal heart.

and it's a worthless image.

i once was lost, but now i'm found. was blind but now i see you.

how selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreams.

metal heart, you're not hiding.

metal heart, you're not worth a thing.