Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
But no sweet, vain exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom, but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after love dies
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
brouhaha with mister milne.
Pondering pondering pondering. I’m like Winnie-the-pooh in his thoughtful spot thinking and humming to himself. Think think think. Alas, there’s no piglet to keep me company. That makes me a little blue. What brings on the reds, is the thought that maybe this is how it will always be. There are the loveliest of people passing by. They stop to say hello and tell me about their day… coming and going. Always seasonal. And I really wish that someone would stay. I’d like some stability in this adventurous sea.
It’s so pretty out. In this rowboat, swaying after the rain. The sky has become brilliant blue, and there’s that all encompassing warm as the sun gets a little less shy around the gray. Things seem incredibly hopeful. There’s all this good news in the newspaper! Promising predictions. Not too much excitement, so as not to make a fool of oneself and jump the gun, but enough to smile. Yet there’s no one to share the news with.
“We are deeply relational creatures” I hear a man’s voice quote it in a posh English accent. Like the Disney narrative voice for A. A. Milne (Does it make it more true, if you say it in a posh English accent? Assuredly not. In fact, lots of people would take that as the flag that you’re lying. But, we Americans love that crap! I think it’s a bit ridiculous. But, whatever.) Back to the point. We are, aren’t we? I crave relationships. I love my friends. I love meeting new people and when they become friends. I love when friends become like family. I like boys too. Still waiting on my McCartney…but, that is another story entirely. I hate the geographical restrictions that impede upon most of my relationships. Now, distance doesn’t bother me quite so much. It’s not insurmountable. In fact, it can be a lot of fun. But when distance brings with it bureaucracy… so many beautiful relationships are strangled by the red tape. I’m tired of relational ‘weddings’ so to speak…where the celebration is grand and festive. And not too much later, it’s only to be followed up by an annulment or a funeral.
“And so… relational creatures we are,” says the narrator. We’ll call him Mister Milne for fun. I’m not alone in this. But, why do I feel so alone in this? I’m not searching for some sort of validation or approval, exactly. I mean, I like affirmation. I’m that kind of girl. That’s my native tongue. But I tend to have this mathematical way of thinking, that if you’re lacking something, there’s a reason. If you’re not getting hugs, you’re probably a porcupine. Or, if people never come over to your house, maybe you’re a mean witch! (Or a warewolf! Because then you wouldn’t know you’re a werewolf cos you change at full moons, but forget allll about it in the daytime.) See what I’m saying? Which makes me analyze myself to no end. Which is why I probably call you and say… are you SURE I’m not a porcupine?? Are you sure I’m not a wicked witch? I just cackled and there are monkeys following me. Seriously. Last night was a full moon. Did I eat her/his family for a midnight snack? Because s/he’s definitely not talking to me.
“Brou-ha-ha! (which here is the phonetical sound of laughter at the encompassing brouhaha) Silly old bear.” True. I am a silly little bear. But I’m just saying… I’m just confused as to why the rules of karma do not apply. it makes sense that they should. What goes around – comes around. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Though, it doesn’t actually say that they’ll treat you the same way. Smile at someone…they probably won’t smile back. Call a friend! But they may not call back. Do not ignore someone you care about… They will probably ignore you. Forgive. Even when you aren’t forgiven. Be honest. When you’re lied to.
And so now, Mr. Milne, that brings us to love, doesn’t it. “Ah, yes, young Jackson, The Central nervous system of life.” So I choose to love people and they may not love back. In fact, often they won’t…at least in the way you expect. So where’s the line between just becoming a doormat who constantly says “no worries! I understand! It’s all good.” And saying otherwise and walking away or limiting the accessibility of the people around you. COM.PLI.CATED. slightly. Stiff order. Needs a stiff drink. Ok, so I choose grace. I don’t wanna be a porcupine or a witch or a werewolf, or even a hardened young woman.All of this to say, I don’t want to be always lonely. And I’m afraid I always will feel this way. But maybe that’s just fear talking and it’s just a season. And I need to push through and wait. (proooobly so) And I’m never really alone. Ever. But this accompanying patience that is required of me… this courage and strength and hope cocktail… well, it’s not going down any easier than a shot of moonshine from the mid-1800s.
“Promise me you’ll always remember… You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
I shall certainly try, Mister Milne. I shall try.
p.s. - to those who are near to me, though distance keeps us apart...i freakin love you.
It’s so pretty out. In this rowboat, swaying after the rain. The sky has become brilliant blue, and there’s that all encompassing warm as the sun gets a little less shy around the gray. Things seem incredibly hopeful. There’s all this good news in the newspaper! Promising predictions. Not too much excitement, so as not to make a fool of oneself and jump the gun, but enough to smile. Yet there’s no one to share the news with.
“We are deeply relational creatures” I hear a man’s voice quote it in a posh English accent. Like the Disney narrative voice for A. A. Milne (Does it make it more true, if you say it in a posh English accent? Assuredly not. In fact, lots of people would take that as the flag that you’re lying. But, we Americans love that crap! I think it’s a bit ridiculous. But, whatever.) Back to the point. We are, aren’t we? I crave relationships. I love my friends. I love meeting new people and when they become friends. I love when friends become like family. I like boys too. Still waiting on my McCartney…but, that is another story entirely. I hate the geographical restrictions that impede upon most of my relationships. Now, distance doesn’t bother me quite so much. It’s not insurmountable. In fact, it can be a lot of fun. But when distance brings with it bureaucracy… so many beautiful relationships are strangled by the red tape. I’m tired of relational ‘weddings’ so to speak…where the celebration is grand and festive. And not too much later, it’s only to be followed up by an annulment or a funeral.
“And so… relational creatures we are,” says the narrator. We’ll call him Mister Milne for fun. I’m not alone in this. But, why do I feel so alone in this? I’m not searching for some sort of validation or approval, exactly. I mean, I like affirmation. I’m that kind of girl. That’s my native tongue. But I tend to have this mathematical way of thinking, that if you’re lacking something, there’s a reason. If you’re not getting hugs, you’re probably a porcupine. Or, if people never come over to your house, maybe you’re a mean witch! (Or a warewolf! Because then you wouldn’t know you’re a werewolf cos you change at full moons, but forget allll about it in the daytime.) See what I’m saying? Which makes me analyze myself to no end. Which is why I probably call you and say… are you SURE I’m not a porcupine?? Are you sure I’m not a wicked witch? I just cackled and there are monkeys following me. Seriously. Last night was a full moon. Did I eat her/his family for a midnight snack? Because s/he’s definitely not talking to me.
“Brou-ha-ha! (which here is the phonetical sound of laughter at the encompassing brouhaha) Silly old bear.” True. I am a silly little bear. But I’m just saying… I’m just confused as to why the rules of karma do not apply. it makes sense that they should. What goes around – comes around. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Though, it doesn’t actually say that they’ll treat you the same way. Smile at someone…they probably won’t smile back. Call a friend! But they may not call back. Do not ignore someone you care about… They will probably ignore you. Forgive. Even when you aren’t forgiven. Be honest. When you’re lied to.
And so now, Mr. Milne, that brings us to love, doesn’t it. “Ah, yes, young Jackson, The Central nervous system of life.” So I choose to love people and they may not love back. In fact, often they won’t…at least in the way you expect. So where’s the line between just becoming a doormat who constantly says “no worries! I understand! It’s all good.” And saying otherwise and walking away or limiting the accessibility of the people around you. COM.PLI.CATED. slightly. Stiff order. Needs a stiff drink. Ok, so I choose grace. I don’t wanna be a porcupine or a witch or a werewolf, or even a hardened young woman.All of this to say, I don’t want to be always lonely. And I’m afraid I always will feel this way. But maybe that’s just fear talking and it’s just a season. And I need to push through and wait. (proooobly so) And I’m never really alone. Ever. But this accompanying patience that is required of me… this courage and strength and hope cocktail… well, it’s not going down any easier than a shot of moonshine from the mid-1800s.
“Promise me you’ll always remember… You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
I shall certainly try, Mister Milne. I shall try.
p.s. - to those who are near to me, though distance keeps us apart...i freakin love you.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
i'm not calling you a liar. just don't lie to me.
random streams of consciousness:
- i got some really good news today which made me get teary with happy tears. which is SUPER rare. however, it's still too premature to shout it out.
- i wonder why i have to take the lead. there's nothing to lead, or so you said. but, then you come around killing me softly. i mean...what?
- it's strange. i don't even know what i want or what i'm thinking. or if i'm even thinking at all? mainly i'm just trying to keep moving. to keep focused. it's like when you're running or working out or something, and you've hit your threshold of pain, and then suddenly everything goes numb. and you realise, if you stop right now, you won't get back up. but, if you just keep moving, you'll get someplace... or something.
- why are you silent and distant? it hurts. i keep thinking you must hate me. i'm not sure why. i'm good at that sort of thing. making people run from me. then, i keep talking myself out of this nonsense. but let's be honest. i don't like it. and i wonder if it isn't nonsense at all.
- don't ever ponder the genius of the beatles...esp. sir mccartney. you will go mad. i am. most definitely. i am also ready to sink into an abyss of grief that i will miss him this saturday.
- everyday a dj saves my life.
- i like my blackberry. he needs a name... a classy grand sort of name. the ipod is winston iii. perhaps kensington? hmmm.
- i love/hate how certain songs make you feel closer to a person.
- is it time to book flights yet?
- i am addicted to roald dahl's short stories.
- "will we always be just like little kids going group to group. asking who loves me? dunno who loves me. it's pathetic. it's impossible. like girls in stilettos trying to run."
- if you've seen 'the edge of love' i completely and utterly relate to sienna miller's character in this season of my life.
- why did you tell me to forget him?
- i wish you were here to sit and laugh with. and dance around.
- i wish you were here to do life with. i miss sitting in our living room and painting and singing along to coldplay and pondering life's mysteries, and wondering aloud at my ridiculous luck with the opposite gender, drinking herbal tea, having face masks, burning candles, making ridiculous videos, and laughing until everything hurts.
- i like days when my whole family gets together and we have a good time.
- carl's icecream is still miraculous.
- i am shakin in my boots about recording tomorrow.
- i like that jamie t sampled "hungarian dance" on his track 'dance of the young professionals"
- i miss all of you who hold pieces of my heart in londontown. i'm comin soon!!!
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