Saturday, December 13, 2014

until i don't.

keep moving
keep going
keep cleaning
and following behind
she's allowing a guilt complex to set in.
there's a strange taste in my mouth about it.
she's allowing all of the things she said she wouldn't.
doing it all wrong.
and that's what she said from the start.
the theme, if you will.
she knew it from the very moment it began.
it's always those trigger moments...
when you're talking and no one heard you.
the stories you told that no one was listening to.
you're recording their words... making mental notes for later...
transcribing from head to heart
just the day to day
just so that they feel like someone was listening.
age plays into it.
that's alright then.
some are just learning how.
there's your pass, then, darling.
but the excuse for the rest?
i can't be so sure.
and the shock and horror when they find out you question
but they weren't listening.
i see it.
i let it.

my phone was ringing
and i answered...
hands still soapy.
i knew. oh how i knew.
i told her i knew.
i tried to make my words wrap round her.
but she knew best.
she always knows better.
my words meant nothing.
my voice meant nothing.
it wasn't needed.
it wasn't wanted.
she wanted my silence.
she wanted my ear.
and she'd loathe my silence and beg me to speak.
but shun my words again and again.
til they were echoed in another place.
i see it.
i let it.

the phone was ringing
pulsing twice each time.
a million memories flooded back
but as i was met with the answerphone...
i realized there wasn't time
there wasn't any time.
my voice wasn't wanted.
my voice wasn't needed.
he wanted silence.
my eyes to see.
to understand.
and exist - but don't move.
i see it.
i let it.

we were sitting.
i asked and the words came slow at first...
and then like a torrent.
i raced to catch them all
to record them
to detail them
to remember
to behold.
and as i knelt there,
the silence followed
so i spoke
my words like wine poured out and wasted
he was bored
it didn't matter
it won't be remembered
it wasn't wanted.
it wasn't needed.
he wanted silence
to continue
to be indulged.

and i see them.
and i let them.

until i don't.

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