Monday, December 8, 2014

It's cold outside.
It feels like the perfect day for snow.
I tried taking a nap.
The bedroom feels so soft with the little lamp lit, and candles flickering and dancing and jumping.
But softly.
Waiting on water to boil for tea.
Yes, we are still in that proverbial season too.
Books and magazines beg me to read them.
The couch calls.
I dream of decorating for Christmas... just a little, so it feels magical.
I dream of one of those lovely red throw blankets to crawl inside.
I daydream of furniture shopping...
and decorating my little home.
But it isn't my little home, exactly.
It's where I grew up.
I'm happy.
I'm content.
I ache.
I'm impatient.
All at the same time, in only the way that a woman seems to be able to be.
I am the flag on the rope in a game of tug of war.
The fibers of my bones are cracking, and I'm really not sure why.

i tried falling asleep last night and found myself back at one of my very first jobs.
reliving all sorts of moments.
and second by second details come raining back in.
at one point, it seemed like such a vague and distant memory.
by the end, i could smell the office and hear the way the door opened and closed.
i remembered their voices and accents.
i felt the crush of my very first broken heart and the stir craziness i would succumb to.
i felt sorry for my young self... like ebenezer scrooge visiting the shadows of his past.
i felt embarrassed for the lessons i would later learn.
i felt happy for the progress that had taken place in my head and in my heart.
i watched the specters glide in and out of the room.
i was so young.
i was only a girl.
i remembered my suit.
i remembered just wanting that bmw... and $7000 was such a fair price.
i enjoyed the attention.
i was broken, and it made me feel alive.
i was only a girl, then.
just a naive and curious girl.

Sitting with my tea in hand.
Back in the present.
Too cold and then too hot.
I think I'm coming down with something.
There's a thousand things that need to be done.
And a thousand and one more, I'd like to do.
I need someone to listen.
A snowflake to fall.
An idea... a lightbulb to flash...
An opportunity to take.
I need something.
I need nothing.
I need everything.
I just can't put my finger on it.

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