Tuesday, September 9, 2014

induced coma. [come awake]

I was looking for a photo in the archives here, because I couldn't remember the name of an artist.
I found myself skimming less and less and falling into the rhythm of each post. Memories came back that I'd long forgotten, and I could vividly feel and smell each second moving in days I will never forget.

I was so alive then.

What's interesting, is that I know how very dead I felt in some of it. I sometimes felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, hanging on for dear life to some proverbial rope.  I felt everything so deeply, and allowed myself to feel it all. The good. The bad. The great. The small. I felt so insecure in my abilities, and I feel like I'm looking at the entries of a stranger... a stranger who amid all of the chaos, had such a deep profound confidence.

That girl back there was on fire. Wrestling. Questioning. Blossoming. Glowing. Screaming. Shouting. Flying. Climbing. Running.

I miss that girl.

That woman.

I can say a few things happened that hurt me; broke me in a very profound way.
I think for a while, I was in some sort of emotional induced coma, if you will, to protect my heart from further damage. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Ayla, and I think it had a reversed hormonal effect! Instead of the 'stereotypical emotional pregnant woman', I was rather calm. Placid. Very still. A new protective nature was awakened. I felt very much like a lioness, at times, but only in situations where I felt threatened.

Ayla will be 8 months old tomorrow.
I feel like it's been winter all of this time, and it's only just beginning to thaw.
Some of the wounds have healed, but some are still so tender, if not more so in the slow thaw.
Tears come slowly but surely like melting icicles.
Light is flooding everywhere.
There's that weird sensation of hot and cold from being covered in snow too long.
Blood is trickling... I think... and I can't find the source.

The thing is, I'm not dead.
I've just been sleeping for a very long time.
It may take me a little bit to find my sea legs, but I'll get there.
It's like riding a bike.
I feel it when my heart beats.
I'm coming 'round.

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