Friday, September 19, 2014

Dear Nashville, [You give me mountains and valleys, but I need the sea.]

In you, I've found some of my sweetest and dearest friends.
In you, I've found some lost souls that I wish I'd never met.
In you, I've danced.
Danced as hard as I could in the lights, in the rain, in the night.
In you, I've sipped wine at the top of love's circle.
In you, I've been dolled up.
Painted faces in a pillow fight!
In you, I've laughed.
In you, I've wept.
In you, I've been encouraged.
In you, I've been remembered.
In you, I've been forgotten.
In you, I've been challenged.
In you, I've been cheered.
In you, I've been jeered.
In you, I've been...
broken...
hit...
lied to...
cheated...
cheated on...
bruised...
tricked...
violated...
raped...
left...
excommunicated.
In you, I've known love and I've lost it.
In you, I tried hate for the first time.
In you, I tried beer again, and found I like it.
In you, I've made mistakes... I've tried to mend them...
I've cared too much... I've cared too little.
I danced into your walls, strong and beautiful... feeling everything... singing loud...
I have run away from you, broken and fragile... wounded... defeated.
And run back again.
I've longed for you.
I've dreamt of you.
I've fought for you.
I've fought you.
The last couple of years have been especially bittersweet.
I've made unpopular decisions and as a result lost friends and companions. I've been uninvited, watching on the outside. I've been alienated.
I'm not one for lying, and I won't start now... it hurt. It still hurts, worse than some of the more obvious devastating blows.
And to all of you involved, I truly hope it was worth it.
But, I will not allow the bitterness to swallow up the sweet.
Because there have been some rich times. Some sweet times.
I've been immersed and come up new.
I've been proposed to.
I gave birth to the sunshine of my world. The darling of my life. My firstborn. My sweet baby Ayla.
Thank you to everyone who has and continues to celebrate her with me.
For all of the beautiful things, I am grateful.
And life is beautiful.
Beautiful.

And, now, it's time to leave you.
I'll leave behind the loneliness. The abandonment. The anger.
The shame.
I believed for so long that it belonged to me.
I believed it was me.
I believed I was worth that... I believe, I was wrong.
I'm sorry, if I've hurt you. Wounded you. Troubled you. Angered you.
I'm sorry for my part.
Like the feeling lost in text... all of the
M I S C O M M U N I C A T I O N .
forgive me.
and i, you.

some left scars and some left beautiful tattoos.
i'll always have them.
and they'll always remind me of you.

I'll take with me the good times. The lovely things. The sweet hours.
The hearts that have loved me in good times, in strange times, in the darkest hours. The ones who stayed when it was easy and stayed when it was hard. The ones who'd never say that it was hard, because I mean the world to them, and they mean the world to me. The ones who stayed awake. Porch hangs, dinner dates, roommate bonding times, walks in the park and photo shoots and coffee and breakfast - in the morning and in the middle of the night.
Thank you for the love that can't be stolen. For the friends who will always be thick as thieves. thank you for your kindnesses and for being my family, when my family was so far away.
Thank you for inviting me into your homes to take care of your children.
for making me part of your family.
Thank you for seeing me, and allowing me to see you.
Thank you for sharing your secrets and holding mine.
Thank you for knowing me and allowing me to know you.
My heart bursts when I think of you. You all know who you are.
I've got a suitcase crammed with songs that will always always always make me smile... and take me back to that day, that hour, that moment.  Another filled with all of the kind words and sweet things you've said or written that you probably don't remember saying, but I'll never ever forget.

I could say a hundred other things.
But, I'll leave it here.
Unpacking and packing.
And on that note,
I'll raise a toast
To new beginnings.
To shaking off the dust.
To leaving it behind...
To carrying your love with me.
To hope.
To redemption.
To loving well.
To being loved.
Onward and upward.
Here, here!
x

1 comment:

Songa Mugabe Fabrice said...

Hey.... Really Inspiring :) :P