once upon a dream.

I dreamt I moved to Brooklyn.

I simply walked across the bridge.

i would just like to feel beautiful & adored.

like i'm one in a million.

full of bright hope.

for my mind not to contradict the knowledge of my heart...

so i can believe it for more than just a day at a time.

just for a little while.

if i could just crawl under the cover of your arms

and watch the shadows pass over the wall

and be still

just for a little while

sun streaming in through the blinds

the way it lights your face

as if only for me

talking in hushed tones

all covered in smiles

like the sweetest tidal wave of joy

sweeping over us

just leaving a calm behind

just leaving a peace in its wake

just like the very first time we spoke those words out loud

and all of the angry currents were stilled

and the rising tides of doubt subsided

the winds of change only stir up excitement

the exhausting beat of my anxious heart is silenced in my chest

no constriction

nor the bray of lies

or ghosts of the past

just easy, steady rhythms

slowly rising

and falling

and we can breathe deep

contented and satisfied to just be

and i can hear those songs in my head again

quiet little melodies

orchestrated ebbs and flows

i swear, if you're still enough you can hear...

like love himself is singing over us

and i know the whole world is calling

for us to go and discover it

and we're on our way

we're right on time

not a moment too early

not a second too late

learning to savor it

learning to take it all in

the strength to keep running

the grace to begin again

and so, if it's alright

would it be ok?

if i could just crawl under the cover of your arms

and watch the shadows pass over the wall

and be still

just for a little while...

marché

it's all swaying like the trees

warm and alive

just reaching

and i wonder if you hear me

standing and waiting

the shuffle backward

would it awake you in the night?

or would you sleep through the alarms?

same old blood that i cannot...

i've tried

but, i cannot get out

it won't come out

without bleeding myself dry

and that thorn

its parasitic head buried just beneath

unknown, undetected in the back of my neck

a friend with misgivings

covered in misspellings

dressed in white

but inside...

nothing but squalor

but i... the "good gentle woman"

invited her into the parlor

forgive me

under my breath

praying for a murder

or painless escape

or something marvelous to spring up

because we're on the edge of something

like the atmosphere is groaning

like the very soil is in labor

ready for something beautiful to become of all of this

to be made of us.

i need you so much closer.

it all started when i ran out of melodies and harmonies. i ran out of ideas and chords. when everything inside needed to rush out and refused any constraint.

probably a hundred broken hallelujahs.

and then i just sang it out.

i have no idea what it sounded like.

i couldn't reproduce it, if i tried.

but it wasn't really about writing it down or something.

it was a spontaneous act.

worship.

and you.

i always forget just who you are.

and i looked down at my hands attempting to lift the whole world...

and i just let go.

i was angry.

i was getting so bitter.

i was hurt...

and i was ready to bolt.

and perhaps the answers were bigger than all this, in the end.

so i picked up a book, which proceeded to blow my mind.

because our love tanks are empty...

because there's a thousand changes on the horizon.

because i've been afraid.

because i forgot just who you are.

and so, it would seem that i am in love.

and you said, "it's not time for you to leave."

"it's time for me to show up."

"it's not time for you to go"

"just time to let go..."

love keeps no record of wrongs.

i had no idea how much energy it was taking to hang on to everything

gripping the world

holding myself together.

i let go, and i woke up exhausted.

but things are changing...

because you said so.

pr(e)ides of march.

it's one of those days... i mean, it's not even 9am and it's one of those days.

the dogs wake you up to go out... but, at that certain point in the morning, where it's too early to be awake, but too late to fully go back to sleep. only for one of them to mess in the bathroom ANYWAY. it gets better for a bit, only to notice the other puppy has left a present for you by the front door. get coffee... delay. atrocious traffic - and the kind when you've used all your extra minutes to spare and are going to be right on time, but get caught behind those cars going 35 in a 65 and then 3 random people who want to turn left... but no one EVER turns left? AND takes up the entire turning lane... and so you miss the light which means you have to wait an extra 3 minutes just to get on the road where you need to get to work. you forget to call your boss when you arrive now ten minutes late, thus inadvertently putting her in a panic, because the other person isn't there either. unaware, you proceed to open, and then make a mad dash to the restroom before opening the doors, only to realise you have forgotten to unlock the bottom lock - meaning you are the only one there and now locked out. and you are let in by the grumpiest soul in the world. and part of you wants to set the record straight and ask their reasons for being so grumpy, because i'm pretty sure their dogs didn't wake them up early, their neighbors weren't playing elephant pre 6am, and they didn't have to clean up dog crap by the door on their way out among other things.

but it isn't about me. and i shrug my shoulders. take it on the chin and let it go.

in perspective, mornings like this are the kind you look back on and laugh... usually later in the afternoon. but when your heart is heavy, it's hard to get the giggles about the ridiculous.

but this morning, as i got out of my car, i noticed the low fuel light had just come on.

and because money has been so tight lately, it just feels like one.more.thing.

and it reminded me of how most things feel lately.

right now, i'm struggling with trust.

first of all, trusting God. and then trusting others.

because some people are being super careless with my heart and i'm having a super hard time with that.

i read this quote of mother theresa's on a friends blog that says -

"what we need is to love without getting tired"

i read this bit in 1 corinthians 13 that says -

"love puts up with anything"

and i'm reminded of how feeble my attempts at loving are. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because the fact is, the disregard for my feelings in matters are only helping my fears to look even more real.

i cannot communicate it.

i cannot change it.

i cannot fix it.

i am stuck.

put up with it or don't.

and neither of those options work for me.

i want to be strong and courageous. and carefree. and happy. and joyful.

so many possible changes are laying out in front of me. i am being reminded daily that the world is my oyster. and that's such a wonderful wonderful thing!

but i don't need a day of cheering - though that's nice.

i need healing for my heart. for my spirit. it's broken.

the little things feel extraordinarily huge.

i have a need and it's not being filled.

and the one who can fill it seems to say, 'wait'.

and in these times, that word seems like such a low blow.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

let's pretend.

let's pretend all the sound would stop for just a second.

that we could stand on the sidewalk hand in hand

and everything would start running backward

the whole world speeding past like a subway train

and we're on the platform

eyes close

eyes open

and all is new

there are no comparisons.

no questions.

i light up your face like a sunrise.

smiles and glittery eyes.

i'm the most beautiful girl in the world

your brown eyed girl

makes you use exclamation points

and talk incessantly

like a high that's good for you

i come alive like a flower unfolding

king by my side.

and all of the love notes

and kind words.

too much whiskey and wine leads to kisses

to be careless of how things sound

fear isn't around

isn't around to stir any pots.

there are no pots to be stirred

no secrets to be uncovered

nothing that would bring the stinging tears or wring my heart out.

your palette is full of the five senses

and you're constantly creating

and the words and melodies and harmonies

intertwining themselves with chords and keys

and i'll sing it out so you can hear me

because we're home.

because we're safe.

let's pretend it was all a bad dream.

kissed awake.

eyes open.

and all is new.

i can't believe it's march already. spring is trying so very hard to push out winter... it will come eventually. just wait.

life feels like it's in a winter snap that just doesn't want to end, as well. as though the remnants of 2011 latched on to the baby's breath of 2012. and more still the way that the old familiar figure of depression has taken over my house. try as i might, i've been unsuccessful at sending him packing. so, i just sort of thought i could co-exist. and now the light in my eyes has been dimmed. the bright young thing nearly switched off. the creative thoughts replaced with a web of lies and a system of levers and pulleys keeping them in constant motion.

i've been miserable and on the brink of absolute madness.

i could feel my heartbeat slow...

i told him to leave

he told me no.

i'm not taking no for an answer this time.

so i called them all in

and they prayed over my broken body

knit it back together with psalms and hymns and encouraging songs...

they sang over me... just an echo, though. the most beautiful echoes...

i can feel the resistant cold fingers tightly wrapped around my heart

like my chest could cave under the pressure

and in these early days, there is nothing but questions.

QUESTIONS.

QUESTIONS.

QUESTIONS.

and the paralyzing fear that the answers may never show.

but i know it's here.

the undeniable almost unnoticeable rebirth of hope.

restore.

let me unlearn the lies.

kick out fear.

send depression away.

they aren't mine.

return to sender.

lift my head.

restore me.

and let the adventure begin.

...

it feels like the flu,
but so much worse.

step outside and the warm is fake

step outside and the cold is harsh

mouth waters and i get the shakes

i hate when it feels like you're gone

golden rays filling up a blue sky

but it's all painted black without you by my side

you're the one i never wanted to miss

can't make it right and it's all gone wrong

i hate when it feels like you're gone

when your smile lights the room for all but me

when the touch of your hand is withheld

when i'm stuck in this place

and i cannot break free

and the depths of my love feels like hell

when i cannot explain what i honestly meant

when the words of my heart won't be heard

i cannot make it right and it all feels so wrong

i hate when it feels like you're gone.

enough said.

adventure time!

so my mister and i hopped on a plane... into an upgraded rental car

rode some roller coasters at islands of adventure. (this one twice!)

got soaked on the popeye ride...

went to see some wrastlin and ended up on the 2nd row...

and spent two sunny days at the beach.

man, i needed that.