final pleas(e). [while the little ones slept]

teach me how to be still

be here

and disappear completely

to remember what should be so obvious

but it's all wrong and in my head

the checks need balancing

and the balancing needs checking

and God, my heart is hungry

for a meaning i won't forget

or to know i'm not forgotten

that the invitation is still good

that my push will be ignored

because somehow it's understood

because i'm acting out

because i feel misunderstood

like my heart is lost in translation

like a child too young to speak

or just like the rest of us

broken...

running...

scared as hell

and pushing.

pushing away and fighting the tender touches

that should make us safe

trying not to remember

all the wrong things

analyse all the small things

remember and impose my fears

but i'm imposing!

and need reassuring

and need to hear it til i don't remember.

a hand to steady the trembling

just wait til the tremors stop

no walls resurrected

no guards sent to taunt

just come sit down beside me

hear me.

see me.

and be patient with my heart.