let me see, tonight.

now and then.

i think we took the long way to avoid the traffic.

and all i know is that i was nervous. a thousand emotions came flooding back, but with some sort of distant tone.

and all i know is that i picked up my phone and messaged a best friend who would understand.

i didn't understand the casual nature of her response.

i didn't understand why, though i was nervous, i wasn't completely freaking out.

i didn't care if i impressed him.

i just wanted to revisit the scene.

i just wanted to see…

i walked up to the gate. the same.

i heard the footsteps and pretended to be absorbed in my phone.

i saw his face and remembered.

remembered.

like recalling a distant dream.

the conversations came easy.

we ate. we drank and were merry.

and we recalled the past…

the not so merry part…

or rather, i did…

i just wanted to see.

and forgiveness is a choice, after all…

and after tonight i'd leave that grave behind.

i found myself comparing the similarities.

and realized i was with a shadow of your past.

i saw a man who had let me in.

i saw a man who had received one too many blows.

i saw a man with a loyal heart…

and somewhere in there…

somewhere in his mind's eye he saw that i wasn't the same as all the others.

and he chose to run.

he didn't choose to stay, then.

which brings us to now.

i heard him speak of her…

but from behind the walls.

i heard him speak to her…

but from behind the walls.

and it made me a little sad.

sad to see him still there.

but hopeful that he'd find his way out someday…

like you did.

and i heard myself speak of you…

and i felt the butterflies swarm upward

the rush of blood to the head

and i couldn't wait to tell you again…

and you could hear it in my voice.

you could see it in my eyes.

i could feel myself light up

and i wanted you to feel it...

i wrote this song a while ago with the line,

"and we cried and we cried cause it was good to go free."

and back in the flat, looking over a deserted camden town

i cried and cried because it's so good to be free.

i took my heart to a place where the hurt ran deep

and it didn't hurt anymore

something beautiful has happened here.

something beautiful has begun…

love sent fear packing.

and i don't want it to ever let me go.

it's morning here.

i wrote it down once

i said that if it ever happened to me

i'd search the dictionary for words to explain

and i wouldn't stop til the language was exhausted

and all i can do is absorb the peace

it fell like the dew in the morning

we were just contented in our houses

behind our walls

or pretending to be

like modern man looking at everything through a lens

and someone threw open a window

all i can do is breathe in hallelujahs

all my tongue can speak is thanks

every corner illuminated with enchantment

the southern heavy heated summer nights can't suffocate it

and the rains can't wash it away

rather dance in it

and i could dance all night

it feels like all of the stars are the soundtrack

filled in with laughter spilling from the heavens

like a rainy season after a draught

and then, i find myself quiet

moved.

and unsure of what to say

content to be reticent

a quiet peace mingling in the flames

it sounds like all of my favorite songs

all of my favorite sounds

ebbs and flows

arms outstretched

happy to be overcome by this…

this orchestra weaving it's symphonies around me

like when we stood being wrapped up together

they danced around us

and some things blur

and some things become clearer

and some things disappear completely

and so many things unseen are waiting for us

waiting for us to make them move

and the truth is...

i miss you.

london calling. i answered.

i feel it's been a while. probably because i've been in a season of constant change. and i'm just letting all of these waves sort of wash over me. trying to soak in it all. trying to verbalize it. but i assure you, it's just under the surface... just in a place where i'm pondering all of these things.

yesterday, i boarded a plane to london. my nervousness usually begins a day before departure, but, this time, it started sneaking in about a week ago or so. i dont think i've ever felt so sick on a flight. i kept eyeing the brown air-sickness bag. yikes. i didn't sleep a wink... just watched films. 2 rom-coms, 1 comedy and 2 tv shows to be precise. and you know what? usually when watching romantic comedies, i get a little melancholy and perhaps wistful... thinking, "aw, perhaps someday..." or "i want to feel that", but for the first time, i could identify with these stories unfolding. i think it's one of the first times i've fully enjoyed those kinds of films because my own heart was full.

so we landed late... and i think my cab driver had been up for ages, because he kept falling asleep at the wheel. this little baby was praying for sure. got to the flat, and i'm so happy to see that matt is continuing his efforts to take over the world. i slept for a bit, then ventured out, finally. a man stopped me, to ask for directions... he was, as he put it, sure that i MUST be a londoner... i looked like a londoner. and he was so surprised that i wasn't... as though i'd completely fooled him. i took it as a high compliment.

the first of gigs is tomorrow night...

the point of this trip, mainly being to get this musical ball rolling again.

but, i'm feeling like a little kid with pebbles staring down goliath or something.

and my heart feels a bit more mousey than that of a lion.

i would like to say how thankful i am for an amazing boyfriend who is absolutely incredibly encouraging... and behind me a thousand percent. so thankful for those family members and friends who have been hyper-sensitive to my heart and who have been so so uplifting.

"these hands don't work, but yours will do just fine. tonight, i'll leave myself behind and run into your light. i am broken, but that's just your type."

welp. here goes....