Friday, May 28, 2010

irony. [fell on black days.]

i've got this blog title about telling the truth about your life, and i haven't done that so well.
in the words of soundgarden, "i fell on black days". but there are 2 things happening here.
one - i'm finding myself unable to express why the deep sadness.
two - i'm embarrassed that i'm in this place again.

i've got this question... 'why do they leave?'
i can't be enough... say enough... do enough... to keep it from happening. family. friends. lovers.
like leaves changing and leaving me in their waste.
i have tried to turn myself into a chameleon over the years, i've tried to spill my art out in a thousand ways to make them stay... i've blamed it on my body. i've blamed it on my heart. i've put myself under cat scans and microscope lenses of self-help to try and be better. be smarter.
and in this, i completely lost myself and built a fortress around my heart.

the walls have come down.
i've found myself again.
and i'm still asking that same question.
and i still can't find the answers.
and it causes an ache in my soul, a panic in my head and heart.
i'm swallowed up in this great big sadness and it hunts me down wherever i run.

the fact is, whatever the reason, it isn't my fault.
and there are people who aren't leaving.
and it's time for some gratitude.
i'm broken down from disappointments in this valley...
but i'll be led to still waters... to a quiet place.
i'll drink deeply of peace.
i can't fight to keep people around who don't want to be here.
but i can revel in the delight of the people who see me and enjoy me.
i can't make my career move any faster.
i can only do the very best i can with what i have.
and keep my hands busy with what i know to do...
i can't make you love me...

but i can love extravagantly and accept that i am loved in return.
i can't control the outcome.
but i can give it all i've got.

and soon this truth will sink down from my head to my heart.
soon my emotions will agree with what i know.
but until then...
i'm weary. i need a strong wall of arms, lest i build another fortress and lose myself.
i need a soft place to lay my head...
and a song of truth to drown out the lies.
a shoulder to release these tears and flailing words.

a river to throw my worries into.
i need some peace.
and a beat to dance to.

good thing i'm off to nashville this weekend.
best friends + dance floors = hallelujah.

1 comment:

Raymond said...

Okay, I'm completely blown away by this. The line that really got me is, 'and soon this truth will sink down from my head to my heart.' Because that's the thing, you can know the truth in your head but still feel in your heart like it's your fault and you're somehow undeserving of love, etc. I can relate. And we both know how adorable and deserving of many cuddles by all I actually am, so... lol. In all seriousness, you are a jewel, be always you, and be assured I'll stick around till you get sick of me (which, let's face it, is a near impossibility ;-P) You're special, I like you Nitasha! x Ray Stolp