weird one.

• my boss took overtime away. i could punch a hole in a wall. this isn't the time. it just isn't. i'm angry. frustrated. swore a lot.
• my family needs me. AND a second job is just not possible right now with everything else going on.
• i'm forced to re-evaluate my financial situation and make cutbacks and changes to my daily routine. this could end up being a good thing. inspite of my rage. (i am still just a rat in a cage)
• hi stress. hi eczema. not good to see you. come on in!
• i got a weird/enlightening/sad albeit selfishly good email regarding my music.
• i still find it weird blackberry-ing emails to managers and lawyers.
• i like spending time with my mom.
• i am officially addicted to glee. who am i again? gossip girl and glee. apparently i like shows beginning with the letter 'g'.
• i am trying to focus on the positives and look on the bright side.
• i miss my friends.

so, i've been struggling with that thin line of loving people vs. getting walked on. and sticking by people through thick and thin, and knowing when to walk away. and what does love really look like in a practical but real sense?

i'm supposed to love extravagantly. everyone. even when it's hard to do that. the fact is that some people are easy to love. some people love back just as hard as you give. and when that comes, well... get excited and cherish them. cherish those friendships. but i need to stop looking to those people who are unable to give me the relationship and friendship i need, to fill me in those areas, when they simply cannot. that's where love comes in to release them from my stupid expectations, receives them as they are and gives them grace and space to become what they want to be and to encourage them in their life journey.

if you know someone isn't a strong swimmer, you can enjoy going to the beach with them and hanging out on the shore. but don't expect them to be your scuba diving partner. you cannot take them to deeper waters and expect them to be there for you, to come through should you need them. don't belittle them because you always have to stay at the shore with them.
but there are strong swimmers you can fully enjoy that adventure with. people who like the shore and they like swimming and diving and whatever. and they will come through should you need them. and you can come through, should they need you.

i wonder if this makes sense. it's blown my heart wide open in a weird way.
i'm never really really left alone even when it feels that way.
so i should just stop worrying and freaking out.
i'm taken care of even when i don't see it. in every area of my life.