I'm still waiting.
It feels like I'm sitting on the other side of a chess board... waiting. I'm not even sure whether or not it's my turn... or am I playing both sides of the match?
Waiting on ________________.
Always waiting for someone to make their move.
Preparing for my next move.
Hurry up and wait.
Waiting on inspiration... hah! As though it's a taxi on the way to me? I should at least know that by now. No. It's an elusive creature to be chased. And even then... it will have its way with me when it is good and ready. But, I must always be in the ready.
So I'm outlining... blueprinting... planning... piecing it all together;
but there's always a missing puzzle piece that I need.
Like some kind of furniture waiting to be assembled, but they've left out a very important screw.
I feel caught in a relentless play of tug-of-war.
to : Be present.
to : Plan for the future.
to : Learn from the past.
Write about... what I feel? What I've felt? It's for the future!
And time slips...
Just write, woman!
My mind is a runaway carousel of thoughts and whims and moving parts and symphonies... and I just need to find the structure in it. The rhythm in the chaos. The song in the hum. The dance in the sway.
But, the tension is maddening.
Because this... this is supposed to be the autumn of my youth...
Because I have so much of myself to give to her...
Because I have so much to give...
Because I have so much to say...
And I stayed silent so long, I've become used to it.
Waiting for this novocaine to wear off so it won't sound quite so jumbled and slurred.
But, can I put it in the right way? Can I make you feel it? Can I translate it to your heart? Or to your mind?
I'm not quite ready to lay these dreams to rest... I just can't.
They still keep me up at night.
They beckon when it's quiet.
They beg me to sing it out... to write it out...
To make her proud...
They hunt me and haunt me... they inspire me and fill me... they push me and pull me... they awaken me and comfort me...
They will not leave me alone.
But these x factors... these missing screws...
I'm scanning the board to make my move.
Bold and excited with some sort of rejuvenation...
blooming... unfolding... glowing
And a little timid, because wisdom warns of checkmates...
So much power.
So much vulnerability.
And it should make perfect sense
because, after all, my dear...
I have become the queen.