ok... [it's been too long]

i love this season. autumn - thanksgiving - christmas. i've never been a big shopper for black friday, probably because i've never had a wallet full of extra cash with which to spend. also, i can sometimes get social anxiety in massive pushy crowds. cyber monday? let's play. meanwhile, i'm sitting at this dining room table, which belongs to my housemate and is really nice at first glance, but super awkward. why? only 2 of the four chairs in the circle push in all the way. along with writing this, i'm sipping... well ... was sipping yuengling out of a now empty bottle, and savouring every page turn of the december issue of british vogue. i look forward to this every month more than i can say. and thankfully, there is now a barnes & noble far closer than before which makes my heart very happy. simple things, like bookstores. call me crazy, but i'd much rather have a book or a magazine in my hands than a nook thing. tablets are neat. but for reading, not my style.

i.am.a.purist.

so i live just outside of nashville in a place called antioch. immediately, for most locals, this conjures up mental images of wannabe thugs and crime and drug dealers and a make believe mall where hardly anyone goes unless you want your car broken into and/or to be a candidate to be shot inside. it's kind of not that serious. but it kind of is.

however, i live in a lovely roomy 1300something square foot apartment with my dream garden soaker tub for half of what i paid for a decent condo closer to downtown. and right now? i'm trying to be a bit more practical. but i was thinking the other day how much potential antioch has. it has it's nice bits (like mine) and it's not so nice bits. i think it just needs a few things...

- since we're on the subject, let's begin with a barnes & noble

- a real shopping center with actual stores people like, as opposed to another nail shop, loan place and cricket phone or the like.

- a gym. a nice one. just. sayin.

- another publix and at least 1 whole foods and/or trader joes and one classy kroger.

- some kind of bongo java group coffee place.

- a real movie theatre.

- chik-fil-a

- more tasty cuisine options that are found only in nashville... or the south, even. i mean, how is it that smyrna has a better looking cluster of shopping options and food places than antioch?

- a j alexanders. just for good measure.

- annnnd a few more cashiers at wal-mart after 9pm.

- a few classy little boutiques.

- a victoria's secret.

- and last but not least, pie in the sky.

is that asking too much?

you can do it, antioch! not saying i wanna live here forever, but it would make things just a little sweeter in the meantime.

lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song...

there is a deadbolt on my tongue. the pounding of the fists of my heart can be heard echoing through the halls. my eyes are always talking and giving me away. but i will firmly deny everything under that swaying lamp. will you pull up a chair and listen to me search the dark corners of doubt in my mind? or will you interject with objections like a prosecuting attorney? will you calm my fears or send them running full-speed on a hamster wheel of catch 22s. i am my own worst bully pushing faster and faster on the merry-go-round. less merry. more dizzy spells. heart heavy from the chains wrapped round to weigh it down and keep it quiet. the belly of the beast is starved for affection. and i keep feeding it criticisms. shouting abuse at my own reflection. ashamed of my weaknesses, i have abandoned patient regard. ashamed of my mistrust i will push away harder to create the rejections i try to avoid. all subliminal mind you. all moving like a pendulum set in motion... under which i am screaming my head off wanting desperately to move. the senselessness of the distortion would be hysterically funny if it wasn't so incredibly sad. brainwashed to believe the silliest of notions like some white robed cult follower... and it's my own hands pouring the poisoned elixir in my cup.

birds eye view. sway under the weight. the winds of change are blowing but not in the direction that i expect. standing on their soap boxes preaching truth with a mouth full of lies. tattooing their creed against injustice on the same hands that will throw the blows to the innocent. the alluring mouths beneath wide pleading eyes begging for entry to your trust... that they will destroy if given the chance. does anyone fight for anything good anymore? does anyone protect beautiful things? or just glorify the cheap quick thrills that are attractive for a moment and leave you rotting from the inside out. like senseless zombies devouring each other. and it all just feels desperately lonely... hope giving way to cynicism in the middle of a dark moment... a thick darkness like in the story of the egyptian plague...

when a hand takes mine. the silent, familiar, steady hand...

everything's not lost. perspective. grace. an ear... "start from the beginning and take as long as you need..."

i will try not to sing out of key.

i love my house, i love my nest...

human beings are big ol weirdies. most especially me. always finding myself in catch 22s. can't write because i'm emotionally blocked up. when i need a release and i'm brimming with ideas, i'm afraid of what will come out. or maybe i'm afraid of being completely redundant. frustrated at the fact that i'm still learning my abc's of love. and what? when i thought i was understanding algebraic equations and well versed? HAH! i have much to learn.

in the meantime, i have been swallowed whole by the beast that is Pinterest. feel free to find me!! i will say, i'm slightly concerned about my involvement as i'm tapping my inner martha stewart/homemaker. but i kind of like it.