happy halloweeny jelly beany!

this is my kinda halloween. watching bewitched or the munsters or hitchcock episodes while drinking spiced wine/apple cider... maybe octoberfest beer... maybe some popcorn... maybe pumpkin seeds. i am positive that i am in the minority, but this zombie/slaughtering/guts&gore thing is getting real tired. what happened to good ol fashioned ghosts and frankenfun and great pumpkins? good thing many of these things are streaming on netflix.

final pleas(e). [while the little ones slept]

teach me how to be still

be here

and disappear completely

to remember what should be so obvious

but it's all wrong and in my head

the checks need balancing

and the balancing needs checking

and God, my heart is hungry

for a meaning i won't forget

or to know i'm not forgotten

that the invitation is still good

that my push will be ignored

because somehow it's understood

because i'm acting out

because i feel misunderstood

like my heart is lost in translation

like a child too young to speak

or just like the rest of us

broken...

running...

scared as hell

and pushing.

pushing away and fighting the tender touches

that should make us safe

trying not to remember

all the wrong things

analyse all the small things

remember and impose my fears

but i'm imposing!

and need reassuring

and need to hear it til i don't remember.

a hand to steady the trembling

just wait til the tremors stop

no walls resurrected

no guards sent to taunt

just come sit down beside me

hear me.

see me.

and be patient with my heart.

tread softly.

should anything happen here

it will be on your head

and i will call out your name

long after all has been said

and the peace is disturbed

like the waves in my brain

and collapse from the strain

i'll not tell it again

just make lines from the stain

gentle fingers turn to fists

and i've lost the courage to throw them

imagine the look on their faces

wall flower i am not

damsel in distress - never.

manipulation empress -

i should be.

because in this world they get what they want.

jezebels turning heavens to hells

careful, the fury is waking up

careful, when i feel enough is enough.

mine. [field]

fingerprints fading from the glass walls.

mine.

can't compare with indelible marks and scratches

the mended breaks that insight your response.

your regard.

your care.

your defense.

your thought.

your rage…

and so on.

and if i am angry it is taken as weakness

and if i am sad, just a fragile actress.

and if i am happy well, then all is right within these worlds.

my words fall unheard. like flakes of snow

awake to the drifts that collected in the night while they slept.

my nightmares have become hunters that stalk when i am awake.

but i won't leave a trace from this exhausted chase.

my thoughts take shape and would form sound

that would fill the room

but there is no sound

dumb.

smiling mime. unheard. unkept.

so take this home and watch it wither and die.

weary of playing god assessing and reassessing the value of it's life

who am I?

make that case lower.

and teetering like a child on the playground, constantly ignoring and excusing the symptoms. the seriousness.

laugh it off as folly while the shadows haunt me in the night

remind me in the day

and pull away

away.

away.

and watch the fingerprints and breath fading from the glass walls

mine.

processing.