Friday, August 26, 2011

you are feeling very sleepy...

i feel like i just woke up to find that for the last few months, i've been walking around under hypnosis believing that this goldfish bowl is the whole sea.

perhaps work and trying to get finances under control has been the clock that i've been following. my dreams are no longer full of fantastic fantasies that could easily come from lemony snicket or cs lewis or even the latest action flick in which i'm running for my life and slinging guns like a bond girl. my head is no longer filled with songs and rhythms and swelling symphonies and little songs. the light in my eyes has been stolen and filled with suspicion. i've forgotten how to be a beautiful woman at rest who artfully unveils her beauty in a multitude of ways and instead, i've dumbed it down to a routine of being just another needy and insecure person who puts her prettiest pieces of flesh on display. grasping. flailing. surrounding myself with all the wrong sorts of things.

my song was love... it is now a silent film of fear.

the world is my oyster and i am crippled by fear of losing and failing...
i have become my own worst critic and my own worst enemy,
driving the light out...

i miss...
you know what?
it's not the time to miss or wish.
it's not the time for regret.
it's not the time for waste.
it's time to wake up and move into this new day spread out like a feast before me.
it's time to revel and bask...
in love himself.
in my love.
in my family.
in my friends.
it's time for mini sweet escapes.
it's time for brunches and coffee dates with my best friends.
it's time for adventures.
it's time to get lost on purpose.
it's time to dance.
it's time to sleep in and cuddle.
it's time to release the fear...
the hurts...
the what-ifs...
the hysterical attempt to make everyone happy.
it's time to relish in fashion magazines and art projects and old movies.
it's time to be with people who bring the best out of me and i, them.
it's time to disassociate with people who teach me to hide.
it's time to write.
it's time to learn.
it's time to sing.
it's time to play.
it's time to release.
it's time to love.
it's time to be.

i feel like i just woke up from a dream where i've been fearful of thieves.
but everything is in its right place.
everything is here or on its way.
i have everything i need. nothing is missing.
nothing has been stolen...
nothing but my joy and peace.
but, they've found their way home to me.

1 comment:

Phazzle said...

Very well written piece. I have felt that way myself. We all have.