you are feeling very sleepy...

i feel like i just woke up to find that for the last few months, i've been walking around under hypnosis believing that this goldfish bowl is the whole sea.

perhaps work and trying to get finances under control has been the clock that i've been following. my dreams are no longer full of fantastic fantasies that could easily come from lemony snicket or cs lewis or even the latest action flick in which i'm running for my life and slinging guns like a bond girl. my head is no longer filled with songs and rhythms and swelling symphonies and little songs. the light in my eyes has been stolen and filled with suspicion. i've forgotten how to be a beautiful woman at rest who artfully unveils her beauty in a multitude of ways and instead, i've dumbed it down to a routine of being just another needy and insecure person who puts her prettiest pieces of flesh on display. grasping. flailing. surrounding myself with all the wrong sorts of things.

my song was love... it is now a silent film of fear.

the world is my oyster and i am crippled by fear of losing and failing...

i have become my own worst critic and my own worst enemy,

driving the light out...

i miss...

you know what?

it's not the time to miss or wish.

it's not the time for regret.

it's not the time for waste.

it's time to wake up and move into this new day spread out like a feast before me.

it's time to revel and bask...

in love himself.

in my love.

in my family.

in my friends.

it's time for mini sweet escapes.

it's time for brunches and coffee dates with my best friends.

it's time for adventures.

it's time to get lost on purpose.

it's time to dance.

it's time to sleep in and cuddle.

it's time to release the fear...

the hurts...

the what-ifs...

the hysterical attempt to make everyone happy.

it's time to relish in fashion magazines and art projects and old movies.

it's time to be with people who bring the best out of me and i, them.

it's time to disassociate with people who teach me to hide.

it's time to write.

it's time to learn.

it's time to sing.

it's time to play.

it's time to release.

it's time to love.

it's time to be.

i feel like i just woke up from a dream where i've been fearful of thieves.

but everything is in its right place.

everything is here or on its way.

i have everything i need. nothing is missing.

nothing has been stolen...

nothing but my joy and peace.

but, they've found their way home to me.

hush.

hush little baby

don't say a word

not even with your eyes

they say too much

face tells too much

like if the walls of your soul could talk

they do

and they will.

lighthearted

assisted in defying gravity

and it isn't you

not sure what the combination

but it isn't you.

but it is...

the little house is now a home

and your inexperience mistaken for naivety

all this talking over your head

incessant secrets

told to walls that don't talk

because they don't and they won't

the kind that sweat

the kind that hold dust close like static cling

for fear they'll tell everything

quiet little baby

humming to yourself

don't say a word

not even with your eyes

they say too much

face tells too much

like if the walls of your soul could talk

they do

and they will.

doldrums. [waiting in the library]

sometimes it feels like the winds just won't blow...

or maybe you've just been shipwrecked

or like you're all dressed up for sailin' and swimming... and it's just a bit wrong...

and in these moments, we can get down and sad...

or just get busy making new plans and building new boats in the library

you're a lucky man, my son.

he's a lucky man.

is he?

they say that all the time.

ever noticed?

but heads will roll

away all the time

turn your face from me.

no.

but darting glances.

are there question marks above missed chances?

thanks for letting me borrow the expression.

thanks for letting me bury my confession.

it seems a kind word and a soft touch is…

foreign

like a dying breed

on the extinction list

dear darling girl,

take all of your anxieties and misconceptions about yourself and bury them.

throw them to the wind.

because you were always chosen over that one.

over this one.

it's my secret.

the secret that i know.

it's the simple fact that you will always be the belle of the ball.

there will always be your figure casting shadows on the wall

you will always be one of the faces

one of the names of the voices in the back of my head

and i will walk around unsure

pretending to be very sure

that he's a lucky man.

is he?

fighting with the wolves.

i've lost my mind here.

i've lost my patience with it all.

the fuel light is on. and there's nothing left to fill it with.

i'll let you know when a miracle happens.