Thursday, July 7, 2011

a litter box and fruit flies.

there is always music in my head. going into it. swimming around in it. flying out of it. pretty much always. new songs. old songs. and little jingles and melodies in between. and so, it catches my attention when i get in my car (which doubles as a music box on wheels) and realize that after 10 minutes of driving, i have yet to put on music. in fact, it hasn't even occurred to me. worse still, that after this thought is digested and tweeted, i climb back into this wind tunnel of a think tank and still don't reach for the ipod.

alert. something is wrong.

one day i lost this healthy balance of self-acceptance in my life. i dont remember when that day was or what triggered it exactly. i mean, i think too much self love makes one egotistical. a little insecurity never hurt anyone... in fact, it often pushes us to be better. causes us to hold hands with humility. keeps us in check, if you will. but this healthy balance of self-acceptance (flaws and beautiful things and ordinary in between) is really easy for me to lose. to juggle.

and sometimes these insecurities get the best of me when i'm not looking.

i think i always had this idea that all of these nagging feelings of inadequacy would leave when i got a bit older. like i'd grow out of them... like some sort of allergy.

and i still hope they do.

but mostly, i'm convinced it's sometimes in exercising your mind to think a certain way. to dwell on certain things. to refuse to dwell on other things. because feeding on lies or distortions about yourself is like leaving fruit out in a kitchen. next thing you know, it's infested with fruit flies. and on this, i speak from experience. it would seem my housemate forgot some limes from a party a few weeks ago. and as she is out of town, i have had the lovely task of discovering the art of annihilating fruit flies.
fun town. (really, i wish i could borrow a fleet of trained hungry little lizards and tree frogs. but it would be my luck, they'd eat the buffet and then get lost in my apartment forever.)

or have you ever been in a house where someone had a cat... maybe 2 or more? and they weren't so very good at keeping the litter box clean?
your noses are cute and wrinkled and your gag reflexes are doing wonderfully well.
the litter box is proooobably in the deepest darkest furthest corner in the basement, but you'll smell it like it's hanging from the front door.
this is what it's like when we stay in the wrong way of thinking.
both the smell and the flies are annoying and bothersome and just plain gross. and it won't leave or stay isolated or be covered up... they grow and multiply respectively.
until you clean it and keep it clean.

it's out of hand.
it's stifling.
and more than anything it's hurting my heart.
and kicking the music out of my head.

"Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies."



freshstart said...

Wow, I really liked your analogy to the catbox, I totally agree. I myself have har a hard time with self acceptance at the time, and a boat load of insecurites all of a sudden, I was never like this in high school and thats when I would think the times would be worse?

a real phony said...

ughhh, so true! of course celebration of one's true self (faults and all) must be exercised. but that good natured, self-degradation to keep oneself "humble" is a slipper slope too.