i found some old entries from twenty-ten.
it's so remarkable to me...
i understand that hindsight is 20/20. but i was so passionate. so alive. so very confused. but i'd rather that state of confusion than the one i'm in at present.
there was a man in my world at the time who doted on me like none has.
i found it too good to be true and i ran from his advances.
tried to anyway.
looking back, i see that i blossomed in them. i bloomed. i came even more alive. i missed him until i ached. i spoke of him whenever i had the chance, and my face glowed and cheeks blushed when i thought of him.
he may very well have been a charlatan.
he may very well still be.
but i was, for a few very real moments falling in love with him.
d i s t a n c e .
i wrote so many songs.
putting up a fight.
and falling.
enamored.
he spoke to me in ways i'd never been talked to.
he chased after my heart.
he was the first thought in the morning.
my last thought at night.
and i eagerly awaited his calls and messages.
they went both ways.
i wasn't pursuing.
for once in my life, it wasn't all me.
how lovely life can be when it is two instead of one.
all i have now are these snapshots.
and i compare and contrast.
and it all seems so very silly, in the end.
i have no idea how i got here.
in the middle of winter... in a thick forest full of trees.
it feels endless on all sides.
and i just want a hope for the future.
and to be adored here.
to have a joy here.
shalom.
oh God in heaven, what on earth has happened here?
