They all move in the same way. Back straight, long easy strides. He wears a smart looking suit, but not in black to keep it casual. He stands to take inventory of an area of construction, and effortlessly moves his open jacket away, revealing a perfectly tucked dress shirt - hand placed on the hip. It reminds me of faculty members from my school growing up.

Boredom allows the mind to wander a bit, and think of things you wouldn't normally. I get kind of frustrated by moments like these, because most often, there's so much that needs to be checked off my "to-do list" and the present situation limits me from doing any of it. I am confined to work, or waiting on this or that... and my anxiety grows with my list of unticked boxes.

I am most definitely in one of life's waiting rooms right now. The kind without many interesting magazines, sketchy service on your phone, mind numbing info-mercials on the tv (if there is one) and no books whatsoever in which to dive. No paper, no distractions, just you and that "calming" color of paint on the walls and time ticking slowly. There is something to be learned in it, for sure... and I intend to soak it up as fully as possible. I also know that on the other side of this waiting room, some wonderful things are processing. Like a good home-cooked meal, it's just gonna take some time.

However, living in the tension... it's tedious as hell and there's nothing but temptation on all sides to give up. There is some sort of perseverance mantra ringing in my ears, and I'm going into some sort of trance, at this point. I will be honest here, and say that I'm tired of having a sore throat... and talking over enlarged tonsils. Yes, I do still have them. I'm tired of shouldering the responsibilities of others... of hearing the engine in my heart revved up to redline... of loving between a rock and a hard place. I'm weary of holding my tongue. I am weary of my love being taken advantage of. I'm tired of my energy level being on empty constantly. All I want is a couple of days to meet with friends and have coffee, eat good food, drink red wine... smart conversations and all that... laugh til my face hurts. Go on an adventure with my partner in crime... and maybe a little romance? Oh and a walk and cuddle with muh babes (dogs. )

I love those weeks when about 5 new albums come into your life and you cannot stop listening to them. Cannot. STOP. But it's the little bit of a comedown that stinks, right after you've learned them.
Boredom wanders in... and... you start noticing that those men in suits often move the same way.

prelude to the falling.

It's coming. But, it's taking it sweet time. Sleeves start traveling slowly down our arms. The material thickens. Wardrobes changing like the leaves on the trees. The blue of the sky wanes to a delicious vanilla. An extra hour added to the day to become enamored with the earthy tones and the dried fragrances. Naturally, we pull close together. And if you're alone, it's the loneliest you'll feel. This year, my favourite season will bring along with it a new space... a new invitation for me to make a little house a home. And perhaps soon some brave heart will also make itself at home next to mine. And we'll glow like embers in the fireplace I've always wanted...

My heart is unraveled. Fingers stretched out with palms upward. The object of my affection released. The love pulsing just as hard to an empty space in my soul. Clinging to a promise that it isn't wasted. And so I wait... this is when your love is put on display.

this is where it all gets beautiful.

it's about to be so good.

the fifth.

fall in through the ceiling

search the rooms for meaning

when the rain has made no sound

upon the walls

the pulses pound

and common decency has died

the funeral march has long since gone

and i don't feel the urge to cry

nor can i seem to shuffle on

all of these feelings bleed

the knife has twisted

i'm the fool

trying to keep my hopeful heart

within a world where minds are cruel

ungrateful hands just steal and beg

manipulate the veins for more

and taking love in vain

and we're just left here on the floor

crumpled up like dirty clothes

when we know we're worth far more

than the sound of brokenness

and the crash of slamming doors

and the hoard of snide remarks

and remorse only if caught

conclusions jumped to in my brain

wisdom waxes and it wanes

play the scripts over again

try to find myself to blame

and hyper-ventilate to sleep

from the nightmare wake to weep

remind myself, as i'm bled white

in all the small things, to delight

lord, i'm weary of the fight

turn these violent wrongs to rights

i'll write it down and read it back

let it sink into the cracks

calm me down, don't let me fall

sliding slow down the painted wall

calm me down, mend this heart

reconstruct what's come apart

sunday.

I walk into the bathroom and am surprised when looking in the mirror. Surprised at the welling up of tears glazing my eyes and my feeble stupid attempts to hold them in. I woke up with my eyes nearly swollen shut… how much more is left in those ducts?! But, it is Sunday. I think every week for at least the last 4 or 5 weeks, I have said, out loud to myself at some point or another, " I hate Sundays." I'm not entirely sure it's true. I think six days of the week is my capacity to quell the grief. I can hide it from the world for six days… and on the seventh day, I need a rest. The bandages fall off, like the adhesive will no longer hold. Right around midnight the panic attacks begin, and I'm in bed hyperventilating, praying to just fall asleep. Sunday morning is the hardest day to pull myself from the white haven of blankets and the warm of the dogs. If I make myself get to church, it begins sooner than later. I sit alone in a room full of people. I look around and find familiar faces everywhere, but they'll not notice I'm there. I'm not there to be seen. I'm there to unfold… to be unfolded. And sure enough, some invisible blanket wraps round and I'm hidden behind some veil of grace. The silent room is permeated with a story being unwrapped for my soul. There is sweet relief here. I am met by this strange feeling of release mingling with failure. I thought I'd done so well. Come to terms. You know, all of those therapy sort of phrases we Westerners use to explain that which we really know very little about…. The human heart and it's strength… and it's frailty. Today, he said that it hurts so deeply, when you love so deeply. I've heard that before, but it brought comfort in hearing it again. Unlike most Sundays where I'm happy to unravel in the shadows in movements of worship, I wanted to leave. It doesn't matter, though whether I stay in bed or head to church, those hands will find me wherever it is that I may be on Sundays. They will find me and unwrap the bandages. They find me and clean my still gaping wounds. Ever so gently applying some soothing balm. They take care to gently wrap them back up. And I fall to a million pieces. I am absolutely alone, but wrapped up by this invisible presence.

It's the quietest day…. and I break again and again and again.

I long for the days when the heaviness is gone from my heart. On Sunday I'm able to weep for the great weight. On Sunday I don't have to pretend it's all ok. Homesick for family, for loving souls who will wrap me up in their arms where I can disappear for just a little while. I long for resolution or for deep sleep. What would sleep do, though, but leave my wounds unattended to and allow some cruel reprieve… only for the pain to intensify the moment I am once again conscious. I have never been so tired… so utterly exhausted. I have never reached such a depth in the seas of sorrow. So I suppose I've never loved so deeply. And I have never been so full of hope in such a dark night… yet I've never felt such agony in waiting for the sun to rise.

recurring dream.[i also ate lots of cheese]

I have recurring dreams that usually have something to do with swimming competitively. I mean, at least once a month.

Last night's dream began as most of them do with the swimmers on the blocks... as you do. Take your marks! (I did, like a cat waiting to pounce.) I love the look of an Olympic sized pool, so blue, so still, stretching out in front of you, waiting to be messed up like a clean bed with fresh linens. I'm waiting for the buzzer... for the reflexes to snap and dive; instead, however, I heard a splash. False start. Clearly there would be a restart. But, there wasn't. All in a matter of fractions of seconds, so and so takes off in a sprint, the buzzer goes off, we all glance at each other, realize the officials are just letting this all go amiss, and one by one we dive in. I was one of the last off the block, and it almost seemed like I really woke up in the water, all Inception style and whatnot. I was trying to remember what stroke I was supposed to be doing, unsure whether it was butterfly or free-style. I nearly did a flutter-kick which would've gotten me disqualified, but I remembered, butterfly, managed to pull off a not so good streamline, nonetheless, and dolphin kick for my life!

I was so frustrated to be off to a bad start...

...or dead last.

I took my first stroke and I was already exhausted. It felt impossible. I was way in over my head. But I kept moving.

I kept pulling... hard.

flip.

turn.

There are those moments when you're digging deep, pulling out every ounce of energy you really don't have. Like that weird tingly feeling before passing out, and your insides are turning to mush, and you think you might be sick, and at any moment your arms, legs, heart, body is going to cave no matter how much you tell it to MOVE! A feeling of being so heavy and weightless all at the very same time. The cool water felt hot, and it was a struggle to keep the breathing pattern, tempted to breathe on every stroke. My ears were ringing in the crash of the water, but my eyes are fixed on the wall.

And the next thing I know, in my peripheral view, I'm moving past each person and end up at the front of my heat. Wait, what?

Then, came the split second calculation of whether to glide into the wall with a kick or to do one last stroke. I'd rather not underestimate with a glide, so I pulled. The middle of my forearms ready to collide with the wall, but I managed to control the impact. I take that first breath, and look around, realizing I'd finished first!

But, instead of the adrenaline rush of winning and wanting to do a happy dance or fist pump, I felt overwhelmed with emotion and just wanted to cry tears of relief, mostly... and maybe some sort of happiness that I hadn't given up. The race started unfairly... I was exhausted from the moment I began. It looked impossible to even place at all... I would've been happy to finish. But, I finished... and finished strong. And in the end, it didn't matter how crappy it started, because the result was in my favor. I didn't quit. And moments like that make me want to cry... it's so beautiful to reach the other side of a deep struggle. When the outcome is good, in fact, better than expected. When you can say, it was all made good... that redemption won out in the end... it mattered... no more disappointment.

I didn't even realize just how much I feel like this in my life right now until writing this all out. I'm tired of being strong. I'm absolutely exhausted in every way that one can be. I feel like I'm teetering over the line of giving out, no matter how hard I push. My mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical muscles are starting to spasm... There's a ringing in my ears... the roar of the waves around me... But, my eyes are fixed. I'm not entirely sure where the finish line is, but I keep moving. One day at a time. Keep pulling one day at a time. Hoping the outcome will make it all worth it... that love and redemption does win.