wonder/wander/wunder.kind.

until early this morning, i had been awake for nearly 48 hours, propelled by 3 hours of sleep and fuelled by copious amounts of caffeine. and i feel absolutely ill... not to mention my throat hurts to the point of needing severe painkillers. no kidding around, friends. so, other than heading out for the longest lunch break of my life and getting some gatorade, it's been yet another day in bed snuggled down with audrey hepburn films. it looks like tomorrow may be very similar, actually. i'd really just like to know what's wrong with me. one of those times when health insurance would come in handy.

i officially miss nashville. i'll just leave it at that.

though, i still miss london, most.

i unknowningly took this psychological test last night in the car while driving to richmond. i was to picture 3 items that in the end, represented myself, my friends and my lover. not only was it important how you viewed these items, but the proximity of these things, as well.

interestingly enough, i viewed them all completely separate from one another. none being together in the same scene. everything unattached. gosh, that's telling and mostly sad and pathetic.
i would just like to know why it's so easy for people to walk away from me. to leave me and never look back. why i'm a person who though, never really forgotten and maybe even often thought of, is never really missed. my presence isn't craved. i'm not the sort of person one would go miles for. i'm the pencilled in type. the afterthought, usually. the 'oh, i was on my way here, and i thought of you!'

but mostly, i love how so many people have this perception of me that is so very opposite.

and i'm tired of feeling sad. and if that's the theme for this year, then let's please fast-forward to next year. in the meantime, i'll be sipping my gatorade.

your daughters in love...

i need to remember that when i'm tired, my eyes become magnifying glasses and everything is far more exaggerated than necessary. but, i'm tired of being overwhelmed by things like debt.
i kind of feel like an alien lately. but i'm strangely ok with this. mostly because i'm absolutely aware that i'm not alone.
**perfectionism is choking my creativity.**
i went to the studio last night...1 new song, and 3 piano tracks to be finished sometime next week.
and i'm excited but it isn't finished.
maybe it isn't choking my creativity. maybe it's like the 6th day of genesis.
maybe i should, again, stop being so hard on myself and not take my dissatisfaction as failure or creative handicap or flaw, and rather be patient with myself, take a deep breath, rise to the occassion, and just make the darned thing better.

so, i seriously need to stop being so hard on myself about pretty much everything.

i'm reminded of this pretty much every day. everytime i'll take a moment to listen. the inner voice of love speaks so cleary and so loudly when i'll just stop talking. stop running my brain rampant, and stop focusing on all my shortcomings. when i just get still.

once again the sunrise was astounding. but in the softest sweetest way. as if the sky blushed and started to glow like a girl in love when the sun rose to wake her...

i wasn't prepared for this...

yesterday afternoon, i slept through half of 'my fair lady'...and dreamed i was singing along to the songs. woke up. went back to bed around 10pm. and slept 13 hours.

i didn't realise just how unwell i was!

recording tomorrow.
i feel so unprepared.
and mother/father. yippeee!

do you ever wonder? no. no. no!

today is tuesday, january 27, 2008.
and these are my thoughts:

• it's snowing... and it's beautiful out.
• but, inside i feel gross. physically and heart-ily.
• though when i'm feeling better, all i want is a place to dance around to this new franz ferdinand record. i can't even deal with it...good heavens.
• i left work early and nearly crashed at least 3 times. for some reason, the roads were just crazy slippery... though, it wasn't icy or slushy, really... gosh, i should have turned around this morning.
• i saw your picture and i got all weak in the knees-like. but, mostly i wonder how you are. i should call you today and see how life is.
• i saw pictures of jordan and aaron and i wanted to cry. because i miss them. there's a full-on void in my heart.
• i saw pictures of my friends and i wanted to have them around. to just be in the same room.
• i conversated with a couple of guys, and afterward i just felt sick...
• partly because it makes me miss someone who's conversations always left me smiling and deeply happy and feeling uplifted, as opposed to the aforementioned causing annoyance and nausea.
• oh, and no. i am not interested.
• i would like a good night of sleep. where i wake up feeling refreshed.
• why do i always want to just run?
• i wish my chest would stop hurting.
• i wish i could have c.s. lewis as a dad. or you know, a second dad or something.
• i'm staying in bed. it's nicer in here.

good afternoon. good evening. and goodnight.

urban hang suite.

• i listened to maxwell and loved every second of it.
• i need to learn to eat child-sized portions. because my eyes are now far bigger than my stomach. and i want to vomit all the time. (that's attractive, huh?)
• i watched golf for 40 minutes at the gym.
• i don't even know how the aforementioned detail even happened.
• i think i like bob hope. he told good jokes.
• there was a man wearing far too much spandex, that showed off every detail of his beer-belly, and he was running like a fugitive on an elliptical machine while watching 'dumb and dumber'. my mouth hit the floor.
• i have decided that if i am still single and turning into an old maid in my 30s, i'm just going to move someplace with my favourite still confirmed bachelorettes and we'll just cry. and then, be happy cos we'll adopt babies from orphanages and puppies from the pound. plan.
• i like being quiet.
• and listening to bon iver like i'll never hear it again.