tickity-tock and other late night ramblings.

• i'm exhausted again.
• i'm disgusted with a couple of people. but that's only because i'm super protective of people i love. 3rd person offenses are dumb, but real.
• i wish i wasn't such a fire-cracker sometimes. i am a serious pistol when mad.
• i like john legend. there i said it.
• ever heard a pakistani boy sing like michael jackson and daniel johns from silver chair? i have. i was held hostage on my way out of the gym by the manager and other staff members for a sing-off in the foyer. the most hilarious/awkward thing i've experienced in a long time.
• i wonder when i'll meet boys who aren't sheep in wolves clothing. or just blatant wolves looking for a good time. (not related to the above randomness)
• my grandma said something about my getting married and i almost gagged. she said something about my music career and my heart skipped a beat. music is my boyfriend. yessssah!
• still nervous bout london.
• recording wednesday! yay! (it's refreshing to know i have to narrow the song choices down.) being productive is good.
• should be sleeping as i'm going to be helping out with this program involving mothers and their young children tomorrow morning. hooray for baby time. language barriers should be interesting though.
• i miss my babies. we had no language barrier. we communicated in at least 4 languages. i also need some hugs and kisses.
• i just watched that special on britney spears. i was curious?
  

say that you'll stay a little.

"show me that you love me. show me that you walk with me."

i have absolutely no photos from this past weekend. what kind of a rubbish girl am i?! right, so friday morning i made my way to manassas to see kim!!! so good. so wonderfully good. she was in town with 1/2 of her housemate couple, courtney. they were visiting courtney's best friend who's moved back to virginia recently from nyc. this friend of hers also happens to be an amazing stylist AND i'll be seeing her thursday morning before my departure, which is quite convenient. watch out now! then, there was the trip to the outhouse, i mean, refrigerated bathroom of this mexican restaurant. and then, we had lunch (a snack for me) on john legend's tab (thanks john). the girls drove back to nyc, and i was green with envy at the fact that they were speeding off to see a harry connick jr. show that night. but not too jealous, as i spent the evening with my mom and grandma which was absolutely delightful.

i've decided to bite the bullet and work at Geico. i think i need the security of the situation right now more than the flexibility...to get myself out of this straight-jacket of debt. it's not insurmountable, but it's just enough to make me crazy. and i've been making just not enough to do away with it. so that's that. i start on the 15th.

fingers crossed it works out to get into the studio before leaving for london thursday night. there are some new songs i'd like to get demo'd before i get there.
which brings me to panic prevention.
i do this thing where just before a big change or a big trip or the fulfillment of something i've been waiting on for absolutely ages, i freak out. just get scared out of my mind, like a bachelor on the starting line ready to sprint from commitment. i have it in my head that everything is going to go dreadfully wrong and somehow i'm going to be kicked to the curb and left out in the cold. of course this is absolutely unfounded and silly, as the overwhelming responses filling my inboxes would attest. (gosh, i'm really blessed to have some sweet friends.) nonetheless, i'll probably be horridly sick all day thursday. oh my sweet little irrational fears keeping me company. too afraid to be excited. that's what i think it boils down to. and then, by the end, i'll be weeping cos i have to leave. i am excited/nervous about some meetings, topshop and markets (so maybe i can own a few items without holes in them.), writing with friends, seeing london with friends... just BEING with friends. and this time i'll do my very best to take more photos.

i'm so sleepy. i'm not sleeping very well at night. butterflies are keeping me awake! and new songs are swirling in my head. lyrics. rhythms. and i love it! but i need some rest. my body is exhausted... as of late i average about 3 miles a day on the elliptical usually 6 - 7 days a week. and that doesn't include the weight training and other isolated exercises. now to just keep it up up up!

my grandma is singing 'my favourite things' at the top of her lungs downstairs.
she makes me laugh.
i'm off to bed. to sleep this time, i hope!

tell me a story, write down your secrets, and play this music as loud as can be...

so um, i guess you could say it came true.
next friday morning will be looking somewhat like this...

someone is happy.

that someone is me.

how's that for last minute booking?

and i wonder, louie, have you got room for me?

i've got secrets up my sleeves. and im hopin and wishin and prayin that they come true, so i can tell you so.
also, my heart strings got pulled today, and it squeezed too tight.
sleep deprivation is a sneaky little thing...and now, i'm being ambushed!

I either want to look like an excellently dressed boy or a kitten from the 1960s...

oh alexa freakin' chung.
can i be absolutely unoriginal for 30 seconds and say, that i'd like this for christmas?

thanks, i'm done.
so, all of this time on my hands leaves a lot of room for 4 things...

• working on music
• going to the gym
• reading
• thinking

sleeping has dropped from my list of priorites. and so has coffee drinking, actually. hmmm. i went to the gym tonight, came home and was absolutely amped out of my mind. i put on some bbc (bombay bicycle club), the rifles, and early maccabees and just jumped around faux-dancing to make my mom and grandma laugh for ages. i'm still not tired.
and i find myself lying awake in bed all night just reading til my eyes refuse to focus, or i toss and turn with unfinished song ideas on the raging seas of self-analyzing thoughts.
but, as i said in an earlier post, i feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time in years! and while this is absolutely liberating, it's also a bit perplexing. i have so many different facets that make up who i am, and i've been trying to figure out where that fits in with the world around me... trying to delete the bits i don't like, or that may not be as popular or whatever the heck i was thinking. lately, it feels like a season of self-discovery. embracing all of these facets. all of these colours. grasping the edges of the fact that i have all of these pieces for a reason. to stop picking the parts i love and heralding them and picking the parts i hate and burying them. but to just be ok with all of these things. be ok with the fact that i am a work in progress. to revel in the fact that i am an intricately designed creation... and stop trying to fit myself into the mold of another or limit myself because i'm unsure of what i see...or how i think others perceive me.

in short...'i need to be myself. i can't be no one else'
ah, so simple and yet, so true. what is this quote the gallaghers week?!
'i'm feeling supersonic, you can have it all but, how much do you want it?'
exactly.
and finally... words like 'perceive' remind me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_wOXkZ6OSw