let's pretend.

let's pretend all the sound would stop for just a second.

that we could stand on the sidewalk hand in hand

and everything would start running backward

the whole world speeding past like a subway train

and we're on the platform

eyes close

eyes open

and all is new

there are no comparisons.

no questions.

i light up your face like a sunrise.

smiles and glittery eyes.

i'm the most beautiful girl in the world

your brown eyed girl

makes you use exclamation points

and talk incessantly

like a high that's good for you

i come alive like a flower unfolding

king by my side.

and all of the love notes

and kind words.

too much whiskey and wine leads to kisses

to be careless of how things sound

fear isn't around

isn't around to stir any pots.

there are no pots to be stirred

no secrets to be uncovered

nothing that would bring the stinging tears or wring my heart out.

your palette is full of the five senses

and you're constantly creating

and the words and melodies and harmonies

intertwining themselves with chords and keys

and i'll sing it out so you can hear me

because we're home.

because we're safe.

let's pretend it was all a bad dream.

kissed awake.

eyes open.

and all is new.

i can't believe it's march already. spring is trying so very hard to push out winter... it will come eventually. just wait.

life feels like it's in a winter snap that just doesn't want to end, as well. as though the remnants of 2011 latched on to the baby's breath of 2012. and more still the way that the old familiar figure of depression has taken over my house. try as i might, i've been unsuccessful at sending him packing. so, i just sort of thought i could co-exist. and now the light in my eyes has been dimmed. the bright young thing nearly switched off. the creative thoughts replaced with a web of lies and a system of levers and pulleys keeping them in constant motion.

i've been miserable and on the brink of absolute madness.

i could feel my heartbeat slow...

i told him to leave

he told me no.

i'm not taking no for an answer this time.

so i called them all in

and they prayed over my broken body

knit it back together with psalms and hymns and encouraging songs...

they sang over me... just an echo, though. the most beautiful echoes...

i can feel the resistant cold fingers tightly wrapped around my heart

like my chest could cave under the pressure

and in these early days, there is nothing but questions.

QUESTIONS.

QUESTIONS.

QUESTIONS.

and the paralyzing fear that the answers may never show.

but i know it's here.

the undeniable almost unnoticeable rebirth of hope.

restore.

let me unlearn the lies.

kick out fear.

send depression away.

they aren't mine.

return to sender.

lift my head.

restore me.

and let the adventure begin.

...

it feels like the flu,
but so much worse.

step outside and the warm is fake

step outside and the cold is harsh

mouth waters and i get the shakes

i hate when it feels like you're gone

golden rays filling up a blue sky

but it's all painted black without you by my side

you're the one i never wanted to miss

can't make it right and it's all gone wrong

i hate when it feels like you're gone

when your smile lights the room for all but me

when the touch of your hand is withheld

when i'm stuck in this place

and i cannot break free

and the depths of my love feels like hell

when i cannot explain what i honestly meant

when the words of my heart won't be heard

i cannot make it right and it all feels so wrong

i hate when it feels like you're gone.

enough said.

adventure time!

so my mister and i hopped on a plane... into an upgraded rental car

rode some roller coasters at islands of adventure. (this one twice!)

got soaked on the popeye ride...

went to see some wrastlin and ended up on the 2nd row...

and spent two sunny days at the beach.

man, i needed that.