lady wisdom.

Today my grandma said I needed to find a good Jewish boy.

and there's that. i'm about to convert.

it's hard to accept yourself as someone you don't desire.

i have never felt so ugly... so used... and so unwanted in such a very long time.

"for our question is: 'Am I Lovely?"

and to be rejected is to hear a resounding. NO. "

i hear 'no' like a cd that's broken and skipping.

if a new heart has been created in me. if a new palace created from the ashes of my heart... then, a new war has been declared. and an atomic bomb has just been dropped on it. knowingly or unknowingly, many hands have helped set this in motion.

today i was minding my own business at one of my favourite places in east nashville. a song came on, and i literally had to excuse myself and run to my car to cry.

my heart is sick, friends. i am not ok at all.

"there's a low low feeling around me and a stone cold feeling inside. i just can't stop messing my mind up... wasting my time."

new. [there's nothing new under the sun.]

"Life's a corkscrew that can't be straightened,
A minus that won't add up."

it's one of those strange things. one of those jagged little pills, the book of ecclesiastes. a thing that is so full of truth that it makes your soul ache. and yet it feels good to be understood... to find your heart written out in ancient texts. you don't feel so crazy if the guy credited with being the wisest man in the world felt exactly the same as you.

i was promised newness.

and as of yet, it's all the same.

nothing has changed.

i am teetering on the edge of mistrust. distrust.

whatever. trust is fading quickly.

it's a different scene. a different act. a different cast of characters.

but it's the same story playing out again.

will it always be this way?

you know they like to knock me down, but i don't stay down for very long.

i wrote another song... or two this evening, and even began composing a piano piece, as well. it seems there are these wells of emotion that are begging me to tap them and turn them into something. but i feel like it's a bit like harnessing the sea. and i'm a bit afraid of what i'll find there. i'm so used to being able to explain how i feel. to paint a picture with words or notes.

instead i'm finding a thousand things are true. but they are contradictory.

i found myself ready to leave this town. or making plans of escape.

i found myself making plans to dig my heels in and seize the day and make the best.

i got in my car and drove with the intention of getting lost.

i found little pieces of myself to the backdrop of madison tennessee.

(not to mention a few places i've wondered where they are)

i am falling in love with him.

he has my attention.

he has lost my respect.

i am absolutely terrified and mistrusting.

i have this innate sense that i am being made a fool of.

i have this sense of safety.

i miss living with my family.

i know that my grandma and i have a healthier relationship when we aren't in the same house.

i miss having a dinner companion.

i want to sleep in tomorrow morning.

i want to wake up early and run and then perhaps crawl back into bed.

i miss my cushy job.

i dont miss the commute stress.

i hate catch 22s. and feeling like i've limited mobility.

i'm in my 20s. i'm single. i've no family of my own. the world is my oyster. but i'm trapped.

i want to paint my face and express myself/hide my vulnerability behind fashion.

i could care less about makeup and would rather don black tights and a shirt and call it a day.

i want to whisper.

i want to shout.

i want to speak plainly.

i'm sick of hearing the sound of my own voice.

i feel understood.

i feel misunderstood and alone.

i feel used.

i feel appreciated.

i feel pulled in a hundred directions and yet like a solitary motionless creature in the middle of the earth absolutely lost in a black hole.

i feel numb.

i feel overstimulated.

i want to quit.

i cannot stop.

looking at this photograph by nick knight made me miss an old lover.

nick knight was one of his favourites.

maybe i miss being a lover.

i miss being someone's favourite girl.

i hope he's well.

i wonder if it hurts him.

i can't remember his face./i wish i could forget.

i wonder if i'll ever be loved.

i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to be...

i wonder if i'll ever allow myself to trust again.

"i'm comin out..."

i'm withdrawing.

this song is so nostalgic. it's like a warm blanket...

don't let me go.

chipping nail varnish.

so in case anyone else was wondering, i was a 60s... sort of a factory girl, if you will. miss sedgwick was probably the muse for many things. nonetheless... that was that.

i decided, however, to be a cat for work...

everyone is talking about the mumford & sons show.

it makes my heart fly up in my throat and then drop to my shoes.

sort of like being on a roller-coaster. absence makes the heart grow fonder, i suppose.

and i really wish my heart felt warm and not roller-coaster-ish at present.

glad you all enjoyed it, though.

meanwhile, my nail varnish/polish is chipping. i hate that a lot. but i'm always incredibly lazy about taking it off.

it seems i've made it by the skin of my teeth this month. you know, with the bills bills bills. but then again, not exactly.

in general, i feel like something has got to give.

somehow i have the feeling that the 'something' is probably me.

(remember in the old bugs bunny cartoons when someone would say... "i have a feeling someone is about to get hoit [hurt]... and that someone is prrrobably me." hahaha

i'm doing a lot of striving.

my best friends and even my grandma have told me i need to stop.

one-a-those easier said than done things, eh? yes.

i had a dream the other night, that i was looking in the mirror and i couldn't see myself straight. i was wearing these crooked glasses, and i couldn't fix them. every pair i'd try on were wrecked and i couldn't see myself clearly at all. i saw everyone else just fine, but myself... so distorted.

everything about that dream is true.

i just want to hide... and take this nail varnish off.

and sleep, and not wake up with an elephant on my chest and bees in my stomach.

in other news:

i like the new n.e.r.d record. it's realllllll fun.

i'll probably be listening to it all day.