i only have eyes for you.

• my grandma thought i'd turned to the bottle. actually, i'd been with my second mom crying and praying. wasn't there a story about such things?
• my fortune cookie said: fear knocks at the door. faith answers. and no one is there.
• i cried because of a fortune cookie.
• i do, in fact, have some of the best friends on this planet. and most of them reside in london. now, let's get me a job so i can go home.
• "yes bruv" needs to be part of my everyday vocabulary.
• apparently i should write a song. you know, because, that's what matters in the end. that i write another sad, moving song to make the whole world cry with me. ah well. it's bound to happen soon enough. you'll all know when it happens.
• apparently it's time for boys to put some smooth moves on my heart cos i'm all vulnerable and things. newsflash - bite me. you're making me gag. all of you.
• i purchased cage the elephant, an oasis album i never got around to buying, and an old jay-z record i've been meaning to buy for like 8 years.
• peter is home from iraq for 2 weeks, and if i see him, i may explode with happiness.
• i thought the dog days were over... *sigh* when will i ever learn?

the reasons all have run away but the feeling never did.

Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cool the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, “Don’t you do what you’ve wanted to. Yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof.”

i realised i actually had a dream about all of this. that i would have great anxiety about something. that it looked far worse than it was in reality. but, that my worries about all of these things would be swept away. i hope it turns out to be true. because i'm ever so weary of all of this. i'm not good at this at all. i'm trying. but i'm so tired of trying. oh, please let all this get better soon.

this is not the time or place...

for missing the feeling of being held tight in your arms. of being close. you being near. of sleeping in. your sitting next to me. how 'bout i win the lottery, or even work lots of overtime and i surprise you with a trip to tokyo? you need one. keep your miles, boy.
what was it we were watching that sunny morning? one of those antique show things. C means it was made in 1927. or was it 28? so what did they do before that? how do they know all these things? and by the way, i like your tea. and you've got mad frozen pizza skills. hahaha. the wine went to my head, but it was nice. i'm sorry i wasn't as hungry as i thought i was. i was jet-lagged and really just wanted to skip straight to dessert. not the chocolate cake i was planning on getting for you. your kisses completely spoil the appetite. i miss those too. and how i anticipated your beard to scratch. but it was soft, actually. and careless. and not trying so hard like the boys in fleet foxes. and then there's that feeling that came over me, that i failed to mention. the "oh-please-i-hope-he-holds-on-tight-i'm-going-to-fall-over" kinda feeling. and i found myself thinking things like
"oh girl, don't forget to breathe..."
so i'd inhale slow. and my lungs become full of chanel allure from the bottle with the black top... the way you wear it so it's really all your own somehow. whatever the case, it's not helping my ability to focus or stand up straight. i'm bambi on ice and how embarrassing, there's no wine to blame. just you. though i'm not sure you mind. so i close my eyes for a second and your voice drifts through...pause. still. your hands steady my curious face to return to that light. and your camera lense eyes captured me with a silent click. i love the way you see me. you always make me feel beautiful. in any light...
but now they're off. all the lights are off. they come on everytime your name shows up. it doesn't. everything's heavy and bleary and...
i promise i don't mind missing you because we do what we do til next time.
but my chest is gripped by icy fear that there won't be a next time. it screams obscenities at my sorry replaceable face now covered in tears of remorse. "i just keep sayin sorry, the room spinnin' and starry"
i never wanted to miss YOU like this.
even music seems tasteless.
or maybe it's all a mistake...maybe i'm being ridiculous?
i'm sorry. i'll wait...
it's all my fault and this...
this is not the time or place.

"Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cool the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, “Don’t you do what you’ve wanted to. Yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof.” -bright eyes.

i hit a new kind of low.

symptoms? i can't stop crying. i can't stop feeling sick. i can't stop panicking.
all because i chose not to think something through clearly...
all because i didn't listen...
a little thing.
and i've screwed someone over royally.
and not just anyone, but someone i care about more than i've been able to admit.
someone i'm falling for. there. i've said it.
and now, i've made such a costly stupid mistake.
and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it.

but i'm sorry.

what a horribly empty set of words.
and then there's the whole thing about how...
i had one sliver of trust left.
one sliver of hope.
it's broken.
dramatic?
well, i hope you're right.
in the meantime, i'm taking leave of all this til i can figure out how to not suck at being a human being.

can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?

Everyone talks about the way a woman seems to glow when she’s in love. Something begins to bloom. Something about her is so alive. Just like a flower unveiling its beauty in the sunlight, something is also so very much at rest. There is no striving, though the clouds may come. It just is. Beautiful…and becoming. On display… inviting. Filling the air with fragrance. Just being all it was created to be. And there’s something so very good and sweet about the simplicity of all that.

This is how I feel in London.
It’s not that conditions become perfect and everything is ideal because I’m suddenly some sort of test-tube flower under UV lamps. Something in me calms down. Something stops striving. Something feels a little more adventurous. A little more at peace. In spite of the fears that run around like fixed horses on a merry-go-round. All of my dreams are at my fingertips. Every morning I wake up I can taste them and smell them and feel them getting closer and closer. There's an overwhelming security of the love of my family and close friends from home. And my little trembling heart is absolutely overwhelmed by the love of friends all around me.

Some people are meant to be doctors or lawyers or painters or teachers or whatever... All i want in the whole world is just to be able to create...specifically music, at the moment. But, to be able to live to do what I was meant to do. I want to love my friends and family. And learn to love them better every single day. And learn to be loved when that gets harder to accept and trust every day. And perhaps someday a certain mister to take his heart and put it next to mine, and renovate some walls to make one big house for the two of us to share...

having said all of this, i had a wonderful time.
but mostly i can't wait to call london home.